But there is seldom such a moment. The last few trips I have pushed this expectation to the background (which is good, because I came away empty, but not disappointed). In spite of this, that is in not looking for it in some sort of a large way, there is still an undercurrent of hope that something will reach out and bite me. So I remain aware of the chance of a discovery, but if I feel a desire for it creeping up on me, I try to ignore it.
Nevertheless here is the journal entry recording the aha's that snuck up and bit me on the ass on this trip.
- The thing with getting tired when visiting Kate (and other times) is when I am 'doing for the other' when it is opposed to 'doing for myself'. This is covered above.
- Appearances. I'm getting a bit tired of the way I interact (or not) with others in a public setting. It's not all the same issue, but a small number of issues. One is tending to sink into the background and get roundly and soundly ignored. (See the entry for November 16, 2004 for more on this.) Another is what might be called the "Cute Chic" reaction – to act out of character, or just plain like an ass, in order to call attention to myself. Although it may not always be a cute chic that I am trying to get the attention of, the script is still the same.
- Focus at work. I'm tired of chasing appearances at work, going for the shit that looks good, when it is obvious that there is clear work to be done. Nebulous versus real. Numbers versus reality. I'm having a tough time describing it. I guess the bottom line is that I know what needs to be done, now just move the fuck out of my way and let me do it.
The other side of that coin is getting stuck in the trenches not seeing the new stuff to be done, the larger items (and all those other buzz words). I'm also having a hard time defining the 'bigger things' (maybe the buzzwords really work and I'm just loath to admit it).
[ed. In the annual PMF review I managed to get some "must do" items pushed ahead of the fluff stuff]
"Live long and crossbreed." – Jeff of the Phoenix O.T.O.
The quote above started as Spock's "Live long and prosper." But the noise of the Denny's and my propensity to hear what isn't said twisted it into a far better quote. This is the monthly meeting of EPIC – Eclectic Pagan something or other. They meet then eat then someone gets up and waxes eloquent. I don't know the conversations that took place, but somehow Kate had it in mind that she could get me to do a thing for them on Ceremonial Magick. I had to sit Kate down and, like I could swear I have done before, explain to her that she was operating more on assumption than reality. I wasn't the sort of CM she thought, she was fucked on her definition of CM to start with, and she really needed to stop causing me to grind my teeth on the topic. Then we ran into Jeff Hardee of the O.T.O. at Pagan Pride. Problem solved.
He agreed to do the presentation and did a REALLY GOOD JOB. Lessons learned are, in brief:
- CM Really is a sort of self tweak psychology like Mike said many years ago. Remember Crowley and his phrase "Invoke often?" Well we immerse ourselves on a constant basis in negative affirmations. "Oh, I can never..." The idea then is to develop positive affirmations to replace them, then wrap them in the robes of vibration, invocation and ritual. Then invoke often – often enough that it becomes the new background noise to push out the old bad noise.
- The key to it all is Vibration. The exercise is to concentrate on a part of the body, just become aware of it, then vibrate nothing more than a hum. Then add to this by stages visualizing a change in what is being pictured – see it becoming warm, for instance. Then replace the hum with a word, god name, mantra, etc. Then visualize something that has meaning, either as adoration or as desired result. Build on this (remember to do it REALLY OFTEN) until it causes change in the universe.
- Get good at the basics. Then move on to...the basics. He drew the example from martial arts, where there are only a small number of ways to block a given attack. The idea then was to practice this small number of methods until they became second nature. Then move on to the next basic set. Then build them into a string or flow.
I didn't ask Kate about it later. I wonder if her opinions and misgivings of the CM thing changed. I do note that she hasn't made fun of it (or my interest in it) since then [Nov. 16]
"Learn to love the question" - Rilke