Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Ouch - Installment 1 of 10

First Structural Integration session.

Chest and abdomen. There is nothing quite like having someone shove a hand into your gut far enough to push your squishy parts out of the way and massage the interior rear of the abdominal cavity - in other words, the front of your back. Later in the day I looked at a photo of a side of beef (Wired magazine, 'The Future of Food'). I looked at the structure and said, "There. Right there is where she was poking me."

Many pressure points were found and resolved. I have had a tightness in my shoulder for several weeks. Most of the pressure points were on that side, below the scapula. Ouch. Pain. I have a vision of a customer hearing me squeal like a tortured pig (which is what I am) and say, "I don't think I want what he is having." (...and if he does want what I am having, then I have this friend who would just love to help out...)

I was given instructions on stretching and posture. I have homework to do.

Mood is improved. Self pity turning to practiced ambivalence. Anger taking a snide-ways turn. Still G-H-T (grouchy, horny, tired).

Built for Speed(o)

Tonight I have the first of ten Structural Integration sessions. I've been through this before, but in a classroom setting. This time is 'for real'. Pain. Yum.

The therapist informed me I needed to buy a Speedo to wear during the sessions - or something else that covers as little skin as possible while still reigning in the fun bits. Just as there are certain women who should never, ever, in a million years wear Spandex, there are certain men who should never come within miles of a Speedo. I am one of those men. But my therapist is a trained professional who works with the human body in its many shapes, sizes and variations. I'm sure she will handle it all with professional calm.


In other news, I seem to be running out of steam on a few fronts. Lack of focus. Effort that returns little or nothing (personal, job, etc.). Adding Structural Integration to the mix may not have been a good idea. It becomes just one more thing to be done every week, and more time away from grappling with my miserable little life.

In some cases, I just need to re-direct or renew focus. In other cases, I may need to drop a few things. No new projects. Drop some old projects. Learn to say "No." Catch up on sleep. Catch up on reading and cleaning. I am just so weary of life, and I need to direct more of my time and energies into myself - into my core.

I am tired of the standard of the standard conversation. "How are you?" "Fine." I am not 'fine.' I am frustrated and lonely. I am angry. Nothing I do pleases anyone, not even myself. There is too much giving and not enough getting in my life. Rant. Moan. Complain.

Monday, October 20, 2008

You don't say

Sunday night I was talking to Kate on the phone. I was kvetching about my youngest offspring and her boyfriend. Specifically, I was talking about the use of Kat's driveway and front porch as a grease pit for an ill conceived car repair project. You would have thought a leaking oil tanker stopped by for a visit. The phrase that came out of my mouth was, "I think they are being allowed to get away with way too much."

Kat overheard.

An hour later I have the offspring standing before my, crying and angry, throwing my words back to me - but with a very different and very specific meaning attributed to them. So I had to calm down the offspring, relate the whole conversation with Kate, then go back to Kat and fill her in on the missing details.

I never did ask where the extra content was attached to my works. Did Kat speak it that way, or did the offspring hear it that way? Was it some of both? I didn't really care, and I didn't want it to turn into a blame session. So I just stated what I said, what the context was, and that my only intent was to have my words understood. Resolve conflict. In all of this, from first confrontation to end, I was polite and I was fair. The few times the conversation tried to diverge into placing blame, I politely brought it back on track. Will I be lauded for being reasonable? No. Will my example of not placing blame be remembered or, better yet, followed? No. Will the blame for all wrongs, real or perceived, be placed at my feet? Of course they will.

Would it be nice if, just once, members of the family didn't automatically assume the worst about me, about my words, about my intentions? Does every word that falls out of my mouth have to be carefully saved, filed and indexed so that, when the time is right, it can be pulled out and used as a weapon against me?

But wait. I forget. It is all really my fault. Everything is my fault. Just ask anyone who isn't me and they will tell you so.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Things that go Spark

Last night was the first 'Meet the O.T.O.' coffee event. The unwashed masses didn't run to meet us, but we - Holly, Beverly and me - did latch onto one young man and had some good conversation. In that conversation, the young man spoke of going through a few groups and paths until on reached out and grabbed him. His description was that something 'went spark'.

It got me thinking (a dangerous thing to do).

It has been a long time since something has 'went spark' for me. So, I asked myself, what was the latest thing the sparked for me? It was the study group of a few years ago. Why? It wasn't the people - oh gads no, it wasn't them. It wasn't the topic being studied, although that did help. It was two things. First was the mere fact that we were doing something new- learning things. Second was when we took the basic rituals at the heart of the study and did them as a group. Something as simple as the LBRP transforms greatly when five voices are vibrating the god names, and when some of the actions are done in unison. It was REALLY GOOD.

I need something to spark for me. I have access to good people, to good context, and to good ritual. I need to bring them together and watch them go spark.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

13/185 Vision

This morning I weighed in at 198 pounds solid. (Solid means I didn't have to cheat - the digital scale showed 197 and change.) I am heading to 185 as a 'stop and think' point. I find if I say to myself ' I need to get to 185' it intimidates me. But if I say to myself 'I need to lose 13 pounds' it sounds a lot easier. Either way, my original Grand Plan measured in goals for each week managed to crash and burn. This thing called 'life' keeps mucking with it. To hell wit the original plan. I'll just focus on the daily effort and let it happen when it happens.

It was a pretty sunrise this morning. My mood is getting a bit better, but still raw around the edges. The Buddha was right: Life is sorrow, and the beginning of sorrow is desire. How do I step off the train called Desire and board the train called Will? Where is the platform, the ticket office. Can I check my luggage, or am I limited to carry-ons?

I am now making my daily PBJ sandwiches with Crunchy Peanut Butter. This week I use the last of my white bread and start using Hole Wheat. (or what that Whole Wheat? I forget.)

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

As predicted was a tough day inside of my head.

After small things were done, I finished massaging the StarTeam data and building a test package for pulling over to my server. So far, so good. Tomorrow I will extend it past my test product to the other two products.

I tried finding an easy way to construct a front end for a full text search into the MS SQL 2005 data. No soap. Google offered up nothing. So I guess I get to cobble it together myself.

After work was a pretty good workout. Good landscape at the gym. The left knee held up well.

For two months I had a pretty tight focus on workout and daily practice. I never got back on track for October. The lesson learned is, first, to have solid monthly goals. I think the failure was not to have the goal in place well before the beginning of the month. With October half done, I'm going to let it slide. In the next few days I'll have my goals set for November.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Running on empty

It was a mixed day. Most of the day at work was well focused, but then it all dropped out of focus. I am first trying to figure out the finer points of the StarTeam 2006 database, then looking for a way to suck select chunks to my server and plug it into a full text search.

After work was Holly and Beverly. It started a bit unfocused, then we picked up steam. Cleaned out a chuck of hallway and planted a shelf in it. But this required adding to the clutter in a few other places. You need to make a mess to clean up a mess. Then we made jam. Yum.

But the ending of the day left me sort of empty. It was a small thing. But in my current state of mind, small things have large effects. I knew I was in for a rough ride the next day.

Sunday, October 05, 2008

Whine and Moan

Near the end of Pagan Pride I spied a familiar face - "The Guitar Instructor". I called his name, he came and talked, we played catch-up. Then, after he talked much of other peoples' music projects he was helping on, I asked the fatal question: "So how is _your_ music going?"


It was a classic Deer in the Headlights moment. He stammered a bit, then blathered about a few things I could tell were either stillborn or fantasy, then the conversation ended.

I could laugh at him. Or I could see the fingers that point back to me.

- September wrap-up
For the month of September I set a goal of Daily Practice and Work Out of 20 days from the month. It was going fine until the last few days of the month, so I ended up with 18 and 19 respectively. The last few days of the month threw me a few curves.

My plans to lose weight was mixed success. I was supposed to be down to 198, but missed it by a few pounds. On the other hand, I did drop a few pounds. The first few pounds of a 'losing streak' always works like this, so I'll take it as a success and keep working my plan. The daily practice did me some good. But the women in my life chose the week just past to fire a few emotional barrages at me, and that derailed my practice. Such is life.

I am going to give myself a pass for the weekend, then start back on track tomorrow (Monday). The effort to lose weight will continue unchanged. Daily practice will be split between Yoga and reviewing, then learning, the basic CM and Thelemic rituals.

Horus Oasis is both moving forward and annoying the hell out of me. We finally ironed over most of the PayPal issues. I did an initial sifting through the crap than Fr CF handed over to me. Then I defined the next steps to take. I'll go over some of this with B on Tuesday. It will all be good.

Women are evil. Do I want to delve into detail, or just hit the highlights? Hmmmm.....

[Highlights redacted.]

These people all tell me I am such a wonderful guy. Then they treat me like ass-wipe. Or am I just imagining things?

Growl. Snort.