An open letter concerning my commitment to the O.T.O. and to Horus Oasis

An open letter concerning my commitment to the O.T.O. and to Horus Oasis.

Recently, there was a change in the leadership of Horus Oasis, in which Beverly Stuart and I essentially changed places: She is now Master, while I have taken on the duties of Deputy Master and Treasurer. Despite the change in titles, the only real change in workload is the transfer of the treasury - Beverly and I are essentially still doing the same work and assuming the same responsibilities in running Horus Oasis.

Since this change, I have heard a few inaccurate statements about the reasons for this change and the circumstances surrounding it. Specifically, there is a rumor that I had reached, or was approaching, a state of "burn-out" and that the change was made to take some of the burden from my shoulders. This is NOT correct. Allow me to set the record straight.

What sparked this change was a needed change to the office of the Treasurer. Beverly had been serving as Treasurer for a few years, and was doing a good job. But it was her will to hand off the treasury to someone else. (A member of the Oasis volunteered to become Treasurer, but this plan fell apart.) I was willing and able to take on the treasury, but I know it is a REALLY BAD IDEA to have the same person holding the offices of Master and Treasurer. So I made the following proposal: That Beverly and I trade places. With Beverly as Master, I would be free to become Treasurer without running the risk of holding too much power in the Oasis. As for swapping the offices of Master and Deputy, we figured it was a non-issue. With a few small exceptions, there would be no changes in the work each of us was doing in the Oasis.

From this, these points follow:
- I am not decreasing my work load or responsibilities in Horus Oasis. If anything, I will now by putting MORE work into Horus Oasis.
- I was not, nor am I now, "burning out" or desiring to leave Horus Oasis.
- I am still committed to Horus Oasis and to supporting the core activities of the Oasis, especially Gnostic Mass.

Having said that, I have not attended some recent Horus Oasis activities. This is due to a large project (or "chronic emergency", as I prefer to call it) that I am dealing with in Provo. I also recently re-evaluated my relationship with Horus Oasis. Even before the advent of the "chronic emergency", attending all scheduled activities was stretching my resources. I concluded that, while it is my will to support the core activities of the body, I simply don't have the time and energy to attend ALL of the activities. (Having to travel 50 miles to attend events is an issue.)

There are also some past entries in this blog where I bemoaned the burden that Horus Oasis was placing on me. Those issues were resolved months ago and have no bearing on recent events or the current situation.

As for the future, once the "chronic emergency" is behind me, I will be turning some of my energies to forming a thelemic group in Utah Valley. I hope to use this group to draw people to Horus Oasis.

I am open to conversation if any member of Horus Oasis has any questions, comments, complaints or suggestions about the work I am doing as Deputy Master or Treasurer (not to mention web master, mail list owner, sender of announcements, manager of the Mass Equipment, etc.).

Andy McGuire
Deputy Master
Horus Oasis

Just enough O.T.O. - A little more Thelema

So I posted a "Gripe and Moan" about how I was sinking too much energy into Horus Oasis, and how that was getting in the way of my Will.

The IAO131 asked a pointed question.

Dang. Don't we just hate it when people ask us to THINK.

Too much O.T.O. - Not enough Thelema

On October 10, Horus Oasis held a first degree initiation. The current initiation team had never done a first degree before, so there was much to learn and memorize, much to set up and test, much time to spend getting the whole thing ready. It pretty much ate my life for the three weeks leading up. Then there was clean-up to do in the few days following. At the end of the ordeal, I was ready for a break.

Wrong.

Cleanup was on the 13th. O.T.O. coffee on the 16th. Discussion group on the 20th. Gnostic Mass on the 24th. Etc, etc, etc. And so the schedule goes through the month of November.

During the lead-up to the first degree, I deferred personal projects and obligations to other people. They came home to roost this last week. So, if anything, I am busier and more stressed (and further behind) now than I was before.

I am not happy. This is not what I thought I was signing on for. To be blunt, the O.T.O. is currently an obstacle to my pursuit of my own Will. I have joked with a few people, "This Thelema thing sounds interesting. If I wasn't so busy with the O.T.O. I would check into it."

I am not happy.

First Degree

Last night we wrapped up a bit of a project in Horus Oasis. But let me start closer to the beginning.

On October 10, Horus Oasis held a first degree initiation. This was a larger event than normal because it was a 'first time event' for all of the officers involved and for many (but not all) of the people involved in setting up and taking down the temple.

For those of us doing it for the first time, there was much work involved. We got to memorize scripts, work out choreography, and wrangle equipment. Serious work started in early August. Even up to the morning of the event we were still refining some of the details. But, now that we have done it once, future first degrees will go much smoother. Even as we bring in new officers and helpers, there will still be the experience of the cadre to draw from.

Last night we (me, Warren, Beverly, Holly) took down the last of the first degree temple, then restored the gnostic temple. For me, this closed the event. There is now room to breath.

We are looking forward to Minervals in November and February, then a Third Degree in April. We have done Minervals before, and the ritual requires less work. I am informed by the initiators that I will not be allowed to officer in the Third Degree. (We'll see how that works out.)

Visitors, Coffee and getting back on track

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I take it back

My bitch and moan from yesterday? I get to take back much of it.

Even as I posted, I realized I was being harsh. The person who called me wasn't saying, "This pisses me off and I want......". Instead, he was saying, "I think I need to talk to this other person, but I need help doing it in a way that doesn't cause offense or division." This is a very adult attitude, and I was wrong to complain about it.

I got a followup e-mail from this person. It showed them to be even more of a responsible adult that the picture I portray above. I need to spend an evening with with this crusty grouch, getting drunk and engaging in mutual bitching and moaning and whining. It will do me good.

Babysitting

I am minding my business last night (still savoring certain recent memories) when I get a phone call from a member of Horus Oasis.

"I'm upset with the actions of this other Horus Oasis member..."

Blah, blah, blah.

OK - The concerns are valid. The caller didn't want me to fix things, but was wanting insight before approaching the other person. They wanted to resolve the issue without any toe-stomping. This is all good. But.....

...for crying out loud, people. I am a Body Master of an occult organization that is supposed to be enabling us to get in touch with our higher - and hence BETTER - selves! I am not a babysitter, in charge of a bunch of middle aged preschoolers.

Getting traction, losing sanity

I am understanding now why they moved me to QA at work. I was finally able to latch onto something that allows me to build and run detailed reports, suck the results into a spreadsheet, then hunch over and examine the numbers while mumbling profane words and phrases. I have found my calling.

My first task in QA is to help develop reports our customers use to analyze sales and to compare against national averages. So far I have found the causes for damn near every discrepancy between the new reports we are building and the older reports we are basing them on. Better yet, some of the problems I found are problems with the OLD reports that no one else ever caught. It feels good to finally feel useful.

In other news, Horus Oasis also is gaining traction, but that isn't all good. The demands on my time are increasing, and I have no time to spare in the first place. Also, some of the increased demands are wonderful for the other people involved, but are doing nothing for me. I put energy in, I get nothing back out. (Instead of the O.T.O., I could be talking about a woman.) I think I am doing more from a sense of obligation and plain inertia than from desire. This is not good. I must spend time thinking about this.

On the other hand, with new people coming on board, they could be in a position to take some of the load in a reasonable time - assuming they don't get scared or bored before we carry their limp bodies out of their First Degree initiations and carefully nurse them back to health.

Things that go Spark

Last night was the first 'Meet the O.T.O.' coffee event. The unwashed masses didn't run to meet us, but we - Holly, Beverly and me - did latch onto one young man and had some good conversation. In that conversation, the young man spoke of going through a few groups and paths until on reached out and grabbed him. His description was that something 'went spark'.

It got me thinking (a dangerous thing to do).

It has been a long time since something has 'went spark' for me. So, I asked myself, what was the latest thing the sparked for me? It was the study group of a few years ago. Why? It wasn't the people - oh gads no, it wasn't them. It wasn't the topic being studied, although that did help. It was two things. First was the mere fact that we were doing something new- learning things. Second was when we took the basic rituals at the heart of the study and did them as a group. Something as simple as the LBRP transforms greatly when five voices are vibrating the god names, and when some of the actions are done in unison. It was REALLY GOOD.

I need something to spark for me. I have access to good people, to good context, and to good ritual. I need to bring them together and watch them go spark.

That Pleasing Pain - An OTO Update

I have received word from the Electoral College of the O.T.O. that I have been confirmed Body Master of Horus Oasis. I was expecting it, but arrival of the news was an opportunity to pause and think about the whole thing. I am now free to be the perfect asshole leader with no fears from the responses of the peanut gallery membership.

A few of our minervals decided they want to be initiated to first degree. This is a nice thing, but they wanted to choose the date, and a date that was scarcely more than a month off. I reacted as I normally do, trying to come up with a way to pave the way for them. And it could have worked except for two things: 1) They didn't read the e-mail I sent until after the chance passed and, 2) I did the wrong thing.

I was told a few months ago that I need to be the benevolent dictator. As such, I choose the initiation dates and the rest of the world gets to work around that. So there! (An initiation takes much work by many people, and is offered in love and sacrifice. As such, it really is proper for the initiate to refrain from dictating terms.) On the other hand, it points out that I don't have any plans to handle initiations, and I really need to do something about that. Plan A will be to set up quarterly initiation dates. On those dates we will either initiate, or we will do a rehearsal of the initiation. This is in line with the general will of Beverly and Holly who are applying to become chartered initiators.

In other news, a check for 200 dollars was sent to the First Unitarian Church in order to foster good will after the little accident with the exploding charcoal. I haven't heard back from the Right Reverend Tom yet - and doubt that I will - but I am sure it was the right application of energy and will work the magick I intend.

I think this whole O.T.O. thing is going to work, but will crank up a bit slower than I had foreseen.

Unite the Divided

May 24, 8:20 AM

I am at Peery's Egyptian Theater Convention Center in Ogden, Utah. This is the "Unite the Divided" conference sponsored by Hoor-Paar-Kraat Oasis. I am here (in descending order of influence) out of guilt (payback for making the March 15th Horus event so good), the chance to meet Lon Milo DuQuette, and just plain insanity. Except for the few hours last night between work and bed that I used to stage for the weekend, I am booked solid through late Monday night. I will be spending only enough time at home to switch context and attach a trailer to the back of my car. I will spend all day today at the event, arrive between 10 and midnight tonight at Lisa's, drive her to the airport at 5:00 Sunday morning, then back to Ogden for half a day. When that half day is done ate 3:00 I will drive to Provo, stop long enough to swap out the junk in the car and hitch a trailer to the back, and go to Cedar City. I will collapse in a quivering heap for a fitful night’s sleep. Then I get to move Michael, pack up Melinda’s stuff, drive it north to Provo and unload. I will once again collapse in quivering heap, then go into the office Tuesday morning.

Why do I do these things to myself?

I am listening to Lon play guitar, in preparation for the 'lecture'. He plays guitar? As part of his presentation? This should be interesting.

Having given all the wrong reasons for being here, it is time to choose my real inner reason. And that is....don't know.

[Break in writing to listen to Lon – then to see the film]

The film maker was wearing a t-shirt with the name of the film on it, "A Hero Denied". Walking past him, I misread it, with the folds of the shirt helping, as "A Herd Divided". After thinking a minute, I realized that the name fits. We, as a people, are little better than a herd. We are also quite divided. It fits very well.

I guess when you have fame - even within a small tribe such as the O.T.O. - you can show up for an event and please the people even if you don’t do freaking much of anything. If you do a little 'much of anything' it is well received whether it is related to the theme of the gathering or not. Toward the end of his time, Lon asked us, "What is this supposed to be about?" OK – it really was much better than that. But there was an undercurrent of ‘slack for the adored’.

"Unite the Divided", he was reminded. The largest single bit of Lon's presentation was very entertaining, but had nothing to do with the matter at hand. What preceded and followed was very much on topic, and will be better remembered for having framed a fun little story.

Yes, Lon did play guitar as part of the presentation. He was a professional musician earlier in life, and now uses this to add to his other endeavors. The songs were witty and had a good point to them.

As with any such event, for all of the talking, there are only a half dozen things the presenter really wants to say. Given a chance he could say them in a few minutes. Each person in the audience will remember only one or two of these points - if anything at all is remembered - but will still feel well served. The other 58 minutes are just fluff and frame and repeating the messages often enough to make them stick. Without consulting my notes, here is what I got for my money:

1. The people who are the most divided are the ones who share the most in common.

2. The people who are most united are those who have met face to face.

Interestingly enough, these statements were made during the question answer period after the presentation. As truth number one was given, it was all clear to me. The Muslim factions tearing Iraq apart right now are mainly fighting other Muslims. Fighting the U.S. occupation is something of a side show for them. More of the bombs going off in Baghdad are meant to kill Sunni or Shia than are meant to kill U.S. forces. After all, it is easy to dismiss a member of the 'other' religion as lost soul and a hopeless cause, just so long as he doesn't get between me and my piece of the pie. But when a so called member of the True Faith takes the word of God, the TRUE word of god, then distorts it for an EVILE purpose, corrupting believers and turning them into infidels....well....THAT needs to be dealt with in the harshest manner. There is nothing so low as an apostate. (Example - in the Mormon reality, the only soul to become a son of perdition and get to the lowest ring of hell is the one who once possessed the truth, in knowledge and not in faith, then turned against it.) The other side of this mirror is that the person in the other schism is the one most likely to tell me what to do and how to do it. Until this happens, I am willing to ignore him, even if I know he exists. After this happens, I sure has hell know who he is and am likely not to like him.

As for truth number two, this seems obvious. It is obvious. And it works. Because it works, it is the job of the leader to keep us apart from the other, and to cast them in a light that makes them less human, less of a brother or sister.

Lon opened with a statement, "Magick is not my life, but I use magick to make my life magickal." He expounded and expanded on this. If 'magician' is how you define yourself, then you have a problem. If you just MUST make sure everyone you meet know you DO MAGICK, then you have a problem. If you self define in terms of your joys, then count magick as one of the tools used to achieve your joys, then you have...different problems (but at least not this particular problem.)

There were books for sale, and I fell to the temptation. "The Accidental Christ", a book I judged to be fairly well reeking of irreverence. So far I have read a few pages and there is no irreverence yet. I may be wrong. But wrong or right, I think I will be well entertained. Yes - I got it signed.

When the crowd cleared for a bit, I pulled Lon aside and asked for advice on how to handle Horus. I start by saying, "I am acting body master of Horus Oasis and I am hating every minute of it." That statement brought a smile. I knew I was talking to someone who had 'been there, done that'. The first thing he said was, "Be a benevolent dictator, but don't let them know it." So I asked, "What part don't I let them know: The benevolent part, or the dictator part?" (The dictator part.) He expanded on this. "Don't EVER decide on things by taking a vote. Accept input, and make a choice based on this. But once the choice is made, just tell them when and where they need to be to participate, then let them choose to show up. He mentioned the term 'ipso facto', I responded with my translation of 'this is the way things is' and that worked.

The rest of the answer fell into the category of things I already knew but had forgotten that I knew. He mentioned that he knew large lodges that only had a few people showing up for activities, so that was nothing new. Then he gave an example from his own life, of holding a weekly class on magick. During the early stages, he was usually the only person there. (He also mentioned making then short classes of 6 to 8 parts max.) Isn't this close to the essay "It takes more than goats"? I guess this could be called “Finding My Zen” on the matter. So I will pretend the Oasis is just me and Holly and Beverly, I will take steps with them to make that work (Mass team, initiation team, etc.), and we will keep on playing OTO. I will also assume that the larger and wonderful oasis that will exist 5 years from now will be made up mostly of people who have not been initiated yet.

Finally, he said this: The most important thing for me is - be true to myself: Before the order, before the body, and before Grand Lodge.

Hold the events, make it regular, and expect that, for quite some time, the only person there will be me.

But.....

I'm still pissed off about how March 15 turned out. An initiation shouldn't be surrounded with so much effort on the part of the initiate. (Maybe it is an allegory - Maybe the universe is telling me that I'm going to have to work real hard to bring about my own death. Isn't that just encouraging?)

For the last several weeks, and especially this last week, the theater of my mind has been putting on some grand productions. I have imagined all sorts of events, betrayals and slights followed by my wounded and righteous withdrawal from the OTO. As usual, this shit was going on for a while before I stopped myself and recognized it was happening. Then it took a little while longer to analyze why it was happening. This is my subconscious telling me I want OUT. But the drama also often is framed in terms preceded by the failure for the large wonderful oasis to materialize. So is it that I want out all the way, or that I don't want to fail? Either way, it seems I want to be able to conveniently have someone else to blame (hence the imagined slight or offense). Holy crap. I thought I was slightly past this sort of drama? Then again, silly monkey is wired to learn lessons over and over before they finally stick.

So - brass tacks for Horus. Monthly mass. Coffee and/or class twice a month. Declare a day and do it. Tuesday? Monday? One of those. I will commit to this for a period (six months? three?) and see what happens. If I make it open ended I will get discouraged too soon. If I commit to a period, I will stick to it even if no one ever shows up.

"A Hero Denied" is the story of Patrick Stewart, a Nevada National Guard Member killed in Afghanistan, and the fight to allow the Wiccan pentacle to decorate his Veteran’s Administration supplied headstone. Good movie. Educational. I find I interesting that the VA didn’t fight the pentacle issue because anyone in the White House told them to. Instead, they fought it because they tried to second guess the White House, and surmised that – if they knew about it to begin with – the White House would tell them to fight it. Is this how bad the Bush Administration is? Do we have government agencies living in such fear of the Bushies? Is everyone spending more time looking over their shoulder for the shadow of Big Brother that is begins to interfere with the correct execution of their jobs?

My favorite toy!

Oh joy and happiness! I am writing this on my newly repaired AlphaSmart 3000. Be still, my beating heart. I must not swoon. I am so happy to have this little device back in my life.

Why am I so excited? Go to the AlphaSmart web site and look at the Dana (it replaces the AlphaSmart 3000 in their offerings). Your first reaction will be to ask, "Why should I get excited about this? Why did you drop 200 bucks on a one purpose device, and with such limitations, when low end laptops are priced at $400?" Simple. Three AA batteries will last 700 hours in this thing. Let me repeat that... seven hundred hours. Do the math. Use it an hour a day and you get almost 2 years before having to drop a whole two dollars for new batteries. Use it a few hours a week and you forget the thing even uses juice.

It weighs only on pound. It is well built. When I turn it on, it is ready to use in 5 seconds. It never loses data. It dumps text to my PC using a USB connection, and pretends it is just a keyboard. Use it with ANY hardware, ANY operating system and dump a file into ANY program that accepts text input from the regular keyboard. When this blog post is ready, I will open a browser, log into my account and create a new post, plug in the AlphaSmart and push the send button. Shazam. The ghost in the machine starts pushing 200 words a minute onto the screen.

I am also quite pleased with my customer support experience. I sent an e-mail from the web site and had an answer within one business day, offering two options to fix the problem. I ordered a replacement keyboard to fix it myself. This was on Monday. The keyboard arrived on Friday. The instructions were clear, complete and accurate. The support people were all Americans who sounded happy and competent. The repair took less than 10 minutes - there were no surprises. The instructions were the best bit of technical writing I have seen in years. Kudos to the entire organization.

In O.T.O. news, the Electoral College voted for continuing status for Horus Oasis - I am still acting body master. They cited confirmation of my initiation to third degree as being the one item lacking. I understand and agree. "Let all be done well and with business way." A few people are treating this as if being confirmed body master is a prize or plum of some sort. "Have you heard yet?, asks one person, with a thrill in her voice. "I'm sure you'll get it!, says another, as if confirming that I am worthy, or maybe just a little bit exalted. Do any of these people stop and remind themselves that this is a JOB? It is a series of tasks, duties, and frustrations. The rewards are small and sometimes hard to recognize. It is a freaking pain in the ass. A part of me hoped the college would return a decision of, "Not only no, but Hell No." It would be a relief.

Thelema Dreama

I had an odd dream a few nights ago. The Electoral College of the O.T.O. was meeting last weekend and, if all went according to plan, I was confirmed as Master of Horus Oasis. But in my dream, they rejected me as Body Master, then tried to make it all look like it was my fault - that I had failed the Order and that it was my job to pick up the pieces and find a new Body Master. In the dream I laughed in their collective faces and started to just walked away from it all. Their response was to ask, "But what will YOU do without us?" Being the drama queen that I am, I delivered a speech before stalking off, and answered that question for them.

None of this is worth mentioning except for the speech. It was revealing. It covered some truths that I have chosen to ignore and need to resolve. If I don't find resolution, my journey with the O.T.O. may at least by rocky, or may at most "end ugly".

Being Dead

To quote from Magic Without Tears by Mr. Crowley:

1. The Ego is attracted to the Solar System.


2. The Child experiences Birth.


3. The Man experiences Life.


4. He experiences Death.


5. He experiences the World beyond Death.


6. This entire cycle of Point-Events is withdrawn into Annihilation.

I now sit on the far side (just barely) of step four. At this point I have no desire to go any further. No, Sir! I am going to plunk down my travel bags, sit my self down on them, and have a long righteous sulk.

Side Question: When the O.T.O. created the requirement for a Body Master to be III Degree, did they really think it through? "I know!", says Mr. X degree, full of vim and vigor, "let's bar control of local bodies from people who are in the growing and living stages of life, and hand it over to a bunch of rotting corpses." (Yes - I understand and - mostly - agree with the 'real' reasons. But I need to vent.)

But to be serious: I am not moving out of this degree until I an damned good and ready. I think two years is what I should have spent in 2nd, and it was a mistake to be pushed into taking 3rd early. I will not make this mistake again.

The Ides of March was an initiation, Gnostic Mass and an Equinox celebration. My day started at 6:30 AM and ended 20 hours later. Very little of that time was spent off my feet. I am not happy about this. There is a part of me that is more than willing to just fire off a few scatalogical e-mails and walk away from the whole thing. This is supposed to be about spiritual growth and flowering human potential. It is NOT supposed to be about 'Lift the barge. Tote that bale.'

As for my last post, I settled for myself the questions of Normals and Nermals and the O.T.O.. What will be, will be. I will follow my course and not waste energy casting wary glances at my fellow travelers.

Where from here? I am going to make YET ANOTHER attempt to establish a daily spiritual practice. I am going to ONCE AGAIN stop worrying about things I can't change and gently prod things I can change. I am going to 'keep on keeping on.' But this time I have a new tool in my bag of tricks...

Evaluating the Nermal

Why are there no Normals in the O.T.O.?

I had a 'Stop And Think' moment last week regarding the O.T.O.. It was actually a combination of several moments that built on each other. I keep running into problems getting Horus Oasis to 'work' that trace back to people who - in various ways and for various reasons - just don't have all of their marbles in one bag. Instead of focusing on the events, or on their consequences, I did some thinking about the people involved. I concluded that there are no "Normals" in Horus Oasis.

Start with all of the members of Horus, standing for inspection, as in a police lineup. Even keep the ones who rarely show up and never contribute. Identify those who have persistent non-normal neurology and ask them to leave. The lineup is now much smaller. Now mark those who have a fair claim to normal neurology, but are prone to episodes of histrionics - who blow up just often enough that you never feel good trusting them with an assignment. The crowd shrinks again. Finally, of the few remaining, identify the ones who are in temporary non-normal space because this thing called "life" is busy working them over with a rubber hose. What you have left right at this point is a small group of normals who, each and every one, belong to the crowd that never contributes. They don't want to contribute, or they are too busy, or the are just lazy, or whatever.

And standing in the middle of this thing, assigned the task of making this work, is me. So far it is working, because the non-normals and the rubber hose people put in what effort they can.

When I first looked at this, I was wondering why the O.T.O. seems to attract such a crew of freaks. Where are the normals? Why aren't they playing with us? Then I had to stop and check my premises. I am assuming the following points, and I should be asking if these points are valid....

• There is such a thing as a "Normal" and...
• Normals make up the majority of the population.
• The O.T.O. should attract normals just as any other organization should.

There is no such thing as a Normal. This isn't so much saying that everyone is non-normal. It is saying that Normal is flawed and artificial construct. The Pinks create an image, a cardboard cutout, of what is Normal then convince the masses that there is something wrong with them if they don't conform to it. The masses respond not so much by conforming, but by hiding the non-normal parts of their lives and pretending to be normal. And what of the rebels that claim to live outside the mainstream and present the finger to The Pinks? They are just looking to a marginally different definition of Normal and conforming to it in the same way. Think of the Hot Topic girlie-bopper who shows how different she is by wearing the same offensive t-shirt as the other 35,000 rebels who purchased the same shirt. Oh my....we are sooooooooo impressed.

If you want to give the word Normal an accurate definition, you would have to admit that what is truly normal is to be totally fucked up - and to be fucked up in a manner that is unlike the up-fuckedness of any other person.

But there is such a thing as Nermal. I stole this word from an old Garfield comic. "Nermal" is the name given to "The World's Cutest Kitten", who made sporadic appearances in the strip, mainly to annoy Garfield and conspire with Odie. In my private vocabulary I use this word to refer to a person who, while living in the world or so-called Normals, is perfectly aware of his or her deviations from the Norm. If not privately treasuring and nurturing these differences, the Nermal at least recognizes them, respects them, and makes allowances for them in the living of every day life.

That takes care of the first two assumptions. The third then falls apart. To be attracted to the O.T.O., a person must usually be either Nermal, or on the brink of becoming Nermal. This states the heart of the issue, and why it isn't the issue I think it is.

I think.

Maybe.

What is the role of the O.T.O. in the lives of its initiates? (I was going to use the word 'members' instead of 'initiates'. But I change my mind. Initiate = begin. We have many initiations. We are always beginning. Fodder for a whole new rant.)

I will propose the following...

1. For those few souls attracted to the O.T.O. who haven't already done this on their own, they make you realize that you a not a Normal, but a Nermal.
2. To help you reconcile your current Nermalcy to your desired Nermalcy. This can be phrased as "Finding out what the heck your Will really is."
3. To aid in coming to your true Nermalcy.
4. Finally, making your true Nermalcy interface constructively with external reality.

I will stop writing at this point. I need to review what I have written and revise it as more brain cells are sacrificed to the cause. Additions and revisions to follow...

It's in the Cards

As part of being recruited into the role of Body Master at Horus Oasis, I am having a third degree initiation pretty much shoved down my throat. You have to be third to be a body master, therefore...blah, blah, blah.

Here are the internal factors at play. First, I don't want to take an initiation until I feel I am ready. Second, I never feel ready for anything until I have prepped, analyzed and scoped it out far more than is reasonable. So, by these two points, I never feel ready for anything. Third, I took my second degree because it was a prerequisite for something else I wanted to do. Fourth, I really want Horus to succeed, and I am the only hope the body has (right now, at least), so.....

Crap.

Crap, crap, crap.

After talking with Holly and Beverly, I determined to consult The Oracle. I put forward three choices, and did a simple three card draw on each choice. Here is how it fell out...

Choice One: Tell the O.T.O. to go to hell and I'll take third on my schedule, not on theirs.
The Moon, Two of Cups and The Empress - All reversed.
Not good. Deception, breaking apart, then loss and infertility.

Choice Two: Submit the paperwork, then arrange for things to get delayed until I feel ready. In other words, lie to them:
Ten of Cups, The Lovers, Page of Swords - All reversed (again).
Not good. Rug pulled out, miscommunication and strife, an effort falling flat before it can go anywhere.

Choice Three: Hand in the paperwork and just do it now:
Eight of Swords (reversed), Death, Justice.
Release from bondage, transformation, and things being set right. And we won't EVEN make that connection between the Death card and the focus of the Third Degree ritual. No. Not us. No way.

So I grabbed the paperwork, filled it out, and will ask the outgoing Body Master what in the blazes to do with it (assuming he shows up at Mass tomorrow).

Call me "Master Wombat"

Yesterday was the member's meeting of Horus Oasis. The reigns were passed, and I am now acting body master of Horus Oasis. It was a good meeting. I think this is going to work.

More later. Tonight is all about cleaning up my messes and getting my head back together.

Just call me 'Master'

Before I get to the main focus of this post, a few minor points.

I played a bit with two concepts this last week: 1) Treating my interactions with people as dealing with energy emanations and 2) dismissing expectations in dealing with others. In a way, these two point the same direction. The results were interesting.

Thursday I showed up at Lisa's to deal with trees and dishwashers (only got around to the trees). She wasn't there. Surprise [deadpan]. I found out later that she was at school waiting out a few people to get her grade in a 'problem class'. She forgot to call and tell me what was up. Another surprise [want some droll with your deadpan?]. BUT.....I wasn't dealing with a person, I was dealing with a bundle of energy. As soon as I reminded myself of that, I recalled what this particular bundle of energy was composed of, and it all made sense. All was cool - I dealt with it.

From another angle, this all seems to be an exercise in not personalizing things that have nothing to do with you. "Don't take everything so personal." But I digress.

For my trouble, I filled the trailer with tree clippings and got a pretty good massage.

And now, in the center ring, we have.... The new (in a few days) body master of the Horus Oasis (or at least the acting body master...something to do with not having died yet). The short version of why I was NOT wanting to accept the job is...
- Too damn busy.
- Fear of failure (I have past history on this, darnit).
- Disgust with some people and things in the local O.T.O. (I said "local", OK?).
- I was getting ready to leave it behind and focus on personal work and magick.

But here is why I said "Yes".

Gnostic Mass. This is my best option for participating in Mass, especially as an officer. There were other options out there, sort of brewing (a few folk in Salt Lake who have it in mind to do Mass outside the umbrella of the O.T.O., sort of like the Thelemista group out in the bay area). But that is all vaporware at this point, and there is nothing to keep me from doing both the official and rogue activities.

Development opportunity. It will be a challenge, I will have to learn and do new things. It will (if I pull it off) equip me with skills that will serve me well in other parts of my life.

Paying back what I have received. I lot of people went to a lot of effort to pull me through my first few initiations (both formal and informal). We have a few Minervals that deserve the same, and this is my chance to pay it forward.

And, of course, the fact that I just can't say no. Sort of. Just kidding. Sort of.

But I have my reservations. The only one that deserves mention is that some people have it in their head that I'll just have to get that pesky third degree initiation out of the way so I can be a real body master, not just a bloke acting like a body master. "So let me check my calendar. How does the next equinox sound?" Blech. Initiations should happen when the initiate is ready, not on an external timetable. I feel like someone is trying to shove something down my throat. The other side of that is that, left to myself, I tend to let things drag out far to long. This may push me out of my rut. But if it does, how do I know if the time wasn't really right? What are the consequences?

Acting lessons

Short version:
Call from local O.T.O. official. Wants me to take over as acting master of local body.

Initial reaction:
Crap.
Crap, crap, crap and double crap.

Longer version to follow.

Back from the shadows

[Notes: At the time this was posted, it was the first entry made to this blog in nearly two years. There are more 'recent' entries that were pulled from my journals and used to backfill this two year period they are marked as such.

In April of 2010 I revised the blog. Contrary to what it says below, much content has been pulled. Anything that will piss off my friends, ex-friends, and sensitive souls is now hidden behind security on my LiveJournal site. So there.]

Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law.

Like all good things, I managed to let my journals - and this blog - fade into the background. It is now time to pull them back into the light. My thanks to Kate for prodding me into taking this step.

But be warned - this time its going to be a bit raw. The old posts were edited and prettied up, always with the knowledge that people I know would be reading them. This time there will be much less of that. What there WILL be is more of the raw musing and emotion that is swirling around my psyche. I am sorting out a few things in life and this blog is going to be tool for doing it. Things may get ugly.

THIS TIME I AM DOING IT FOR ME.

Another warning.... In conversation with my friends I often withhold things about other friends. Why? Because nearly all of my friends are women, and I have varying degrees of involvement with these women. (Mostly just emotional or monetary involvement - you would be amazed how little sex physical involvement there is in my life.) Women tend to get jealous. I tend to smile and keep my mouth shut. Few of them really know all of what is happening in my life. So, if you are one of those women and don't want to get hurt, go away now. (Did I mention that there are Mormon polygamists among my ancestors?)

You have been warned.

- break -

I'll take up where I left off with my last entry of two years ago. The O.T.O.. About a month ago I took my second degree with the O.T.O.. This time there was another candidate being initiated, Frater Russ. He's a good kid, but.....

Sorer's Beverly and Holly have observed that the initiations of the O.T.O. change people. They will either turn you into a 'really cool person' or they will turn you into an asshole. So far Frater Russ has looked like one of the cool people. But recent events show signs of him leaning in the anal direction. I'll observe and hope I am unduly alarmed.

And the parting bit of angst for the weekend is that I've gone on the wagon. I'm going dry. I didn't like what alcohol was doing in my life, so I am leaving it alone for a season. We aren't talking about dancing the twelve step here, but I do need to step away from it and live with different vices for a while. (Hmmmm...... No booze. No sex. Smoking makes me puke. What vices are there? I am willing to take suggestions.)

Love is the law, love under will.