Before I get to the main focus of this post, a few minor points.
I played a bit with two concepts this last week: 1) Treating my interactions with people as dealing with energy emanations and 2) dismissing expectations in dealing with others. In a way, these two point the same direction. The results were interesting.
Thursday I showed up at Lisa's to deal with trees and dishwashers (only got around to the trees). She wasn't there. Surprise [deadpan]. I found out later that she was at school waiting out a few people to get her grade in a 'problem class'. She forgot to call and tell me what was up. Another surprise [want some droll with your deadpan?]. BUT.....I wasn't dealing with a person, I was dealing with a bundle of energy. As soon as I reminded myself of that, I recalled what this particular bundle of energy was composed of, and it all made sense. All was cool - I dealt with it.
From another angle, this all seems to be an exercise in not personalizing things that have nothing to do with you. "Don't take everything so personal." But I digress.
For my trouble, I filled the trailer with tree clippings and got a pretty good massage.
And now, in the center ring, we have.... The new (in a few days) body master of the Horus Oasis (or at least the acting body master...something to do with not having died yet). The short version of why I was NOT wanting to accept the job is...
- Too damn busy.
- Fear of failure (I have past history on this, darnit).
- Disgust with some people and things in the local O.T.O. (I said "local", OK?).
- I was getting ready to leave it behind and focus on personal work and magick.
But here is why I said "Yes".
Gnostic Mass. This is my best option for participating in Mass, especially as an officer. There were other options out there, sort of brewing (a few folk in Salt Lake who have it in mind to do Mass outside the umbrella of the O.T.O., sort of like the Thelemista group out in the bay area). But that is all vaporware at this point, and there is nothing to keep me from doing both the official and rogue activities.
Development opportunity. It will be a challenge, I will have to learn and do new things. It will (if I pull it off) equip me with skills that will serve me well in other parts of my life.
Paying back what I have received. I lot of people went to a lot of effort to pull me through my first few initiations (both formal and informal). We have a few Minervals that deserve the same, and this is my chance to pay it forward.
And, of course, the fact that I just can't say no. Sort of. Just kidding. Sort of.
But I have my reservations. The only one that deserves mention is that some people have it in their head that I'll just have to get that pesky third degree initiation out of the way so I can be a real body master, not just a bloke acting like a body master. "So let me check my calendar. How does the next equinox sound?" Blech. Initiations should happen when the initiate is ready, not on an external timetable. I feel like someone is trying to shove something down my throat. The other side of that is that, left to myself, I tend to let things drag out far to long. This may push me out of my rut. But if it does, how do I know if the time wasn't really right? What are the consequences?