Just enough O.T.O. - A little more Thelema

So I posted a "Gripe and Moan" about how I was sinking too much energy into Horus Oasis, and how that was getting in the way of my Will.

The IAO131 asked a pointed question.

Dang. Don't we just hate it when people ask us to THINK.

Recharging the Batteries

Tomorrow is Gnostic Mass.

I am going to be deacon, and I am providing the Cakes of Light. So I had a baking session earlier. I am quite pleased with the results. I take my 'recipe' from "She Who Opens", this being the same woman as "She who bakes without written recipes". I will confess to one batch at the start of the year that was a bit crunchy. But excepting that single mistake, they have been flawless.

The Priest and Priestess for mass have never worked together before. In my mind, they live on opposite sides of many spectrums (age, personality, blah, blah). I am not alone in this perception. But everyone I have talked to is looking forward to this mass and is predicting some wonderful results. And I get to stand in the middle of it all and play conductor.

Now - this post seems the polar opposite of my last post. But it sheds light. The Gnostic Mass is what drew me into the O.T.O. When the fate of Horus Oasis was hanging in the balance (or so we thought), my reason for stepping up to help save it was that I wanted Gnostic Mass in my life.

Last month I was priest for mass. When we were done, the priestess told me the following: "I was going to call and cancel. Life has just been SO crazy and I just didn't have the time or energy. But I didn't cancel, and I am glad. I have NEVER regretted being a part of Mass." I feel the same way. Gnostic Mass recharges my batteries. It keeps me going for another month. I can bitch and moan about other aspects of playing with the O.T.O., but I swear an oath at this moment: I will never bitch and/or moan about Gnostic Mass.

PS - Mass of the Phoenix tonight. Ouch (I am such a wimp). This time I did it REALLY SLOW and stopped at each line and action to really think about it. Most enlightening.

Too much O.T.O. - Not enough Thelema

On October 10, Horus Oasis held a first degree initiation. The current initiation team had never done a first degree before, so there was much to learn and memorize, much to set up and test, much time to spend getting the whole thing ready. It pretty much ate my life for the three weeks leading up. Then there was clean-up to do in the few days following. At the end of the ordeal, I was ready for a break.

Wrong.

Cleanup was on the 13th. O.T.O. coffee on the 16th. Discussion group on the 20th. Gnostic Mass on the 24th. Etc, etc, etc. And so the schedule goes through the month of November.

During the lead-up to the first degree, I deferred personal projects and obligations to other people. They came home to roost this last week. So, if anything, I am busier and more stressed (and further behind) now than I was before.

I am not happy. This is not what I thought I was signing on for. To be blunt, the O.T.O. is currently an obstacle to my pursuit of my own Will. I have joked with a few people, "This Thelema thing sounds interesting. If I wasn't so busy with the O.T.O. I would check into it."

I am not happy.

Where ARE those damned saucers?????

Another X-Day comes and the saucers don’t show up again. How long must we wait? I'm going to have a word with Rev. Stang about this...

Purification. The Tao offers no resistance. The way is easy to travel. (…or something like that. It was sitting under the tomb at Gnostic mass last weekend, when I was priest.)

Life has just become too hard. In many areas, between where I am and where I want to be, I can see no path. Or, if I see a path, it seems to be filled with obstacles or restrictions. But there is something in my head that tells me this reality that lives only in my head. The paths are all there, and they are all broad and easy. I just refuse to see them. I suppose this is made worse by related facts: I want too much; I can’t focus on one thing to completion; I mourn over things not done; I dither and wallow in indecision; I have begun to overuse semi-colons in my writing.

In June I set goals for working out and for spiritual practice. About 1/3 of the way through the month, it all fall apart. Worse, I lost ground. Too much alcohol and self pity. Approaching Gnostic Mass last weekend, I realized I was fighting it too hard. I was gritting my teeth and tensing up and being the worst sort of mammal in my reactions. I remembered, for the hundredth time, that it just doesn’t have to be so hard.

Aside – I am listening to Speaking of Faith. It is a rebroadcast of the role of play in life. I remember my last conversation with friend in which I was accused, not for the first time, of not knowing how to have fun. It fits the theme of loosening the hell up.

I will choose two things that must happen, two that should happen, and two that would be nice to happen. Then I will, when I find myself acting or thinking counter to these things, speak to myself a word, phrase or sentence that will set my course back in line with my will.

1. Must – No alcohol.
2. Should – No overeating.
3. Nice – Clean my surroundings.
4. Should – Learn the O.T.O. first degree.
5. Nice – Establish daily practice.
6. Must – Stop dithering.

It was interesting making that list. I wrote the six items first, then I went back and assigned the priorities. Setting priorities was much more challenging than creating the list. There is a tension between what my emotions tell me to do and what my brain tells me to do. In essence, if the two ‘Must’ items are done, a great door is opened to the other items. I will make up the words or phrases to set my focus as I go along. One word about the alcohol: It is there mainly because when I drink just one beer - even a Utah, mass market, 3.2 percent beer - my focus goes all to hell, and I spend the rest of the day wandering around accomplishing nothing.

“It is tough when you conclude that you just don’t have the resources to take care of something, especially something you care about, and you have to just walk away from it.” I said something like that to a friend as she was telling me about Jaimie, the dog that went to California with the 'real owner'. She knew the dog would be neglected, but needed to let her go anyway. After the conversation ended, I realized it also applies to me and some of the things and people I have been putting energy into. It was most painful when thinking of Holly and Beverly. All of the progress we made in the last few years cleaning the house has been buried under new piles of junk and kruft.

Gnostic Mass last weekend. It was good mass with good energy.

Course Correction

Last night was an odd night. I had a visitor, and I could tell from the first moment how the evening would end. It wasn't the ending that was in line with my will. But I allowed it to happen anyway.

Events unfolded in orderly and predictable steps, and at any step I could have stopped and said, "This is not my will." But I did not.

It is a lesson learned. This morning I cleared my temple space. I created a large pile of laundry, and did much cleaning. I did what I could to clear and clean my living space. I am now putting my space back together.

A black candle burns in the Temple of Wombat. It was lit after banishing, and before re-dedicating the temple.

The 'what happened' part of the night is not the point. It could have been nothing larger than allowing the visitor to put Depeche Mode on the stereo when it was really my will to listen to Rush. The point is that the wants of the other trumped my own will.

Measures must - and will - be taken.

Deep and Low

The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram is interesting when done a bit quieter and a half octave lower.

Sore throat. Contagious. Poor sleep last night. It's one of those odd illnesses that is little trouble during the day, but as soon as the head hits the pillow, the juices start to flow and the coughing starts.

I was going to skip ritual tonight, but went for it anyway. It was interesting. Being quiet and low brought a calmer and deeper energy. As a side note, the last week or so the energy of the temple space has changed. I can't walk into the room without being compelled to do a quick kabalistic cross before entering.

Setting expectations

The plan for December is 20 days with workout, and 20 days of the magickal practice. So far, not very good. The side effects of structural, getting a sore throat, and knee problems have interfered with all plans. The month isn't over.

Tonight, with a sore throat, meditation or ritual is out of the question, so I am updating the blog instead. I did weight lifting last night, so today would be aerobic. Again, the sore throat has its say.

I think I will salvage a good month from it, even if it is all off to a shaky start. Keep plugging.

Stating intents

[Written in St. George, UT....Thanksgiving with the family]

One week ago, at Gnostic Mass, I put out an intent to the Universe. But back-track to the last Mass, in September, when I did the same. The intent I put out was change. Specifically, to end the marriage with Kat and to get some movement from my mother. So I had a talk with Kat about divorce and it turned into a fight where she decried it as being the end of the world. A week later, she announced the SHE was filing for divorce. So far so good. (Strange, but good.) Then I mentioned to my mother that it may be time to leave the seven bedroom house and move to something smaller. She mumbled something about maybe moving to St George to use the bedroom and facilities Sid and Harold built in anticipation of this. Then two weeks later Harold was laid off from his job.

Batting 500.

As a consolation prize with my mother, I at least got her to take on some small cleaning projects. Better than nothing. (on the other hand, why should I have to fight so hard just to get her to clean off the blessed dining room table?)

So going into the mass this month, the voice in my head reminded me of getting results and suggested I do something like this again. The focus this time around? "Simple focus." I am being pulled a hundred directions in life. Much of it is external and there is little to be done about it. I am also suffering distraction at work and home, where I will suddenly realize I have been spinning wheels for many minutes (or few hours) and haven't done the things I need or want to do. While there are enough external distractions to blame this on, just as much of it is internal. This is what needs to be addressed.

So that is what I asked for. "Simple focus." So far...nothing. But then it turned into Thanksgiving week, and that presented a challenge. When formulating this intent, I was thinking of work, where I have more than enough to do. Even when I am doing real work, I constantly break focus to mess with other things, such as web cruising or computer games. I also think of the evenings, when I know there is work to be done - real work that makes a difference - but instead I get lost in housekeeping or menial tasks. Focus. Simple focus.

In news that could be described either as other or related, after two months of having firm goals on exercise and daily practice, then into a second month of not doing this, I am feeling the difference. I am setting goals for December. Once again, 20 days of exercise and daily practice. With the trip to Oakland planned for later in the month, I am sure I will make the daily practice goal, but the exercise may be a bit of a problem.

I am watching the news from India about the terror attacks, while a young lady from India is walking past me every few seconds to take care of the breakfast at the hotel. I wonder what she thinks of it all. Does she even think of it at all?

Whine and Moan

Near the end of Pagan Pride I spied a familiar face - "The Guitar Instructor". I called his name, he came and talked, we played catch-up. Then, after he talked much of other peoples' music projects he was helping on, I asked the fatal question: "So how is _your_ music going?"

Ouch.

It was a classic Deer in the Headlights moment. He stammered a bit, then blathered about a few things I could tell were either stillborn or fantasy, then the conversation ended.

I could laugh at him. Or I could see the fingers that point back to me.

- September wrap-up
For the month of September I set a goal of Daily Practice and Work Out of 20 days from the month. It was going fine until the last few days of the month, so I ended up with 18 and 19 respectively. The last few days of the month threw me a few curves.

My plans to lose weight was mixed success. I was supposed to be down to 198, but missed it by a few pounds. On the other hand, I did drop a few pounds. The first few pounds of a 'losing streak' always works like this, so I'll take it as a success and keep working my plan. The daily practice did me some good. But the women in my life chose the week just past to fire a few emotional barrages at me, and that derailed my practice. Such is life.

I am going to give myself a pass for the weekend, then start back on track tomorrow (Monday). The effort to lose weight will continue unchanged. Daily practice will be split between Yoga and reviewing, then learning, the basic CM and Thelemic rituals.

Horus Oasis is both moving forward and annoying the hell out of me. We finally ironed over most of the PayPal issues. I did an initial sifting through the crap than Fr CF handed over to me. Then I defined the next steps to take. I'll go over some of this with B on Tuesday. It will all be good.

Women are evil. Do I want to delve into detail, or just hit the highlights? Hmmmm.....

[Highlights redacted.]

These people all tell me I am such a wonderful guy. Then they treat me like ass-wipe. Or am I just imagining things?

Growl. Snort.

Pagan Pride

Pagan Pride Day, Murray Park, about 30 minutes before things begin.

First things first. I need to set the mood for the day, and this is best done by committing it to writing. Ahem. I am not here to change the world. I expect only one - maybe two - people to show up at any future O.T.O. events as a result of today. I accept that our presence is not impressive, and I don't care. What is supposed to happen today will happen regardless of how hard I squat and strain - or not - in an effort to make it happen. At least one person will try to drag me into conflict. I will not have a cute pagan chick beg me for sex. All of this is fine. My main goal today is to chill, enjoy conversation and get some reading and writing done.

Now - for the main topics rolling around in my brain of late. The questions are...

1. Do we (the 'royal We' in this case being the Holly-Beverly-Andy collective) want to stick with Horus Oasis, fully committed to it in terms of growth into a larger body?
2. Do we want to stick with Horus Oasis treating it as belonging to the collective, and welcoming others to play with us?
3. Does the collective want to keep playing, but not as Horus Oasis?
4. Does the collective want to no longer play?

Last Tuesday I talked this over with the girls. The answer from B was number one, without reservation. The answer from H was, "I'm not sure I like the O.T.O., but this is where the universe tells me I am supposed to be, so this is where I will be." I took that as a Number 2. As for me...

What triggered this was having the Horus Oasis treasurer resign. Now that time has passed and I can see it in perspective, it is no big deal. Truth is there is very little work involved, and it was more hassle for me to connect with him to sign quarterly reports than it would have been if I had been running the whole damned thing. But the news hit me rather hard when it was received. I felt like the entire Oasis was abandoning me to run it alone. So it made me question if I wanted to stay involved myself. In retrospect, maybe I was hoping they would say they didn't want to play anymore, allowing me to drop it without guilt. I seem to spend much time in this headspace. Too much time. Too much time dithering, and not enough committing. I need to do with this what I did recently with my personal practice: set a goal to perform to a set level for a set period of time, record the results, then choose what to do next.

[Pithy Observation the first. After announcing the first pair of workshops, everyone basically stood around looking at each other. Like lemmings. Or worse.]

Speaking of this, there is some to report on my personal practice. With the month of September, I continued with the Yoga practice and resumed my exercise program. I set a goal to get my weight down to 185 by my birthday. Here is the report.

As of yesterday I have 9 days of personal practice and 9 days at the gym. I grade myself B plus to A minus on my eating habits. My average weight for the week is 202 - right on target. I am also feeling better and fitting just a bit better into my pants.

Instead of reading, I am talking to Beverly, talking to people about Horus, or writing. Most of the Beverly talk is about how to deal with situations centered around other close friends. Near the start she asked, "What do you want to do?" after much talk and a bit of looking at my words and actions, I realize what I want to do. And what keeps me from doing it. My 'aha moment' came when I said, "It would all be so much easier if my mother would just die." And what if she did? Then I would no longer be tasked with watching the house and could move out. But there is no room in Kathleen's house and I really don't want to be in her airspace. So I would move....where? And after the estate is settled, I end up with a small stash of cash. Move out of town, make a few changes, divorce Kathleen, etc.. Of course there is much more to it than this. I wonder how much of my thought process is formed by wanting to avoid certain looming disasters. Maybe I should rethink things from different points of the compass. Make a list of all the women in the herd and ask, "What would I do if this person went away?" Then follow it with, "What would I do if everyone EXCEPT this person left my life." I must go through this exercise later.

Deeper into the groove

I made the list yesterday, or at least a first rough draft, then became involved in setting up Melinda's furniture.

Later in the day yesterday, then again this morning, I realized this list doesn't address some of the things that really need to change in my life. There is more to life than magic, and those things need to be addressed. But there isn't, and should not be, a complete firewall between Magick and 'normal life.' How did Lon Milo phrase it? "Magick isn't my life, but it makes my life Magickal." So, while the ' list' is mostly made, there is more thinking to be done.

Oakland is being an interesting place. If I was single and free of external obligation, it would be a temptation to move to a place like this. Melinda found an apartment in a mixed race neighborhood, in a [mostly] non-scary part of town. It is only a block off Lakeside. There is grocery, park, coffee and bar within walking distance. The apartment is well maintained (workmen came in yesterday and did repairs that will consume the first month or two of rent Melinda pays) and the manager is friendly. Parking is a bitch, so if I moved here I would be tempted to shed my car and get a good bike (and maybe a scooter or motorbike). Right now I am on the back patio, enjoying a cool breeze from the bay and loving the Heavenly Blue morning glory along the back fence. If I lived here, I would stake some sort of claim on the back porch, adding enough personal touch to see my personality in it, but not enough to frighten the neighbors.

Speaking of...two of them have wandered by taking things to the trash. First the lady with the pink shock of hair and the two miniature pincer dogs. Buddy and Elvis. Love it. Then the twenty something emo guy with one pant leg rolled up, the other down, and an air about him that speaks of a weak resolve not to drink quite that much next time he goes out to party.

On the down side, the neighbors are packed in close, and having a noisy or obnoxious one magnifies the effect. I thought this would be a big problem, but they all know to tone it down after dark. Other than a brief Barking Dog episode and some loud black ladies who stepped out of a stereotype, it is almost dead calm.

Back to life and magick. The big thing that bothers my right now is my weight and health. I stopped exercising this summer. Over the last few years my weight has slowly crept back up to just over 200 (a gain of about 30). My knees and joints are becoming more fragile. I seem to be in constant pain from one injury or one joint or something. Also, my alcohol use has gone up and this is having an effect on my body, psyche and spirit. All things are connected. Magick should inform and strengthen my mundane life. My mundane life should support and strengthen my Magick. When the equation is worked to the final line, Magick and Life become indistinguishable from each other. By this reasoning I can drop the question 'what to do next in magick' and ask 'what to do next in life.' The answer is to make a step or two to improve my health. I would be tempted to take on exercise, diet and alcohol all at the same time, but I already learned the wisdom of taking one step at a time. So the choice is made....

Continue with daily practice of Yoga as before. Do it with some intent in mind, such as to incorporate refining elements into it. Return to my previous exercise routine, working out each day (except Tuesday when I visit H and B), alternating aerobic and strength routines. Again, this will be for 20 days and will be tracked in the magickal diary. The starting date is to be September 2nd - my first full day back to work after this trip - and will end at the equinox.

Getting back in the groove

I completed 20 days of Raja Yoga, with the main intent of establishing the habit. I then intended to build from this to a next stage. The long term goal is to continue building on each stage until I be 'where I want to be' in the daily/regular practice of magic.

Analysis of the 20 days.

Good things:

1. I intended to do only 10 minutes a day, but quickly took it to 20 minutes (for about 15 of the 20 days).


2. I quickly reversed a temptation to pile other goals on the original goal. This prevented setting myself up for failure.


3. At the beginning of the period, I read of breathing techniques used by Crowley. I incorporated a version of this into the practice and it was a great success.


4. A journal was kept for all days of the period.

Bad things:

1. Failure is likely to occur on days that are not 'routine'. In other words, days that are not work days and find me at home in the evening.


2. I did skip one day near the end, and it was due to alcohol and other bad choices.


3. At the first sign of success, I started to pile other goals onto the original goal (see related 'good thing' above).


4. Once the 20 days was up, I stopped. This was not my original intent. The cause of failure is two-fold. First, the first day off practice was also the first of many days living outside normal routine. Second, I had no formally stated plan for what to do next.


5. Journal entries were often delayed to the next day. They should have been done just after the end of each Yoga exercise.

The next thing to do is outline the next stage and start it. This will be done now.

Pluggin along

I've kept up practice of Asana for thirteen days straight. So for so good. At the first sign of success with this I was tempted to pile more onto the plan. In fact I added a second item to the plan, but backed off from it the next day. I need to start simple, establish the habit, and not set myself up for failure.

Gads - you think an old guy like me would have progressed past this whole 'baby step' thing. Apparently not.

When the 20 days are up there will be a break of sorts forced by a trip to San Francisco. I'm helping move Melinda out. My selfish moment in the trip will be attending mass with The Thelemistas. It will be fun.

The second of my short term ambitions with Magick is to resume the practice of ritual, not only in resuming regular practice, but also in learning new ritual. Also in studying it - for while I have been doing the LBRP for years, I have never gone beyond the surface in studying the symbols and meanings of the ritual.

Nothing else to report. Back to cleaning the house.

So far, so good....

I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of myself. The proposed cure was to buckle down and start Daily Practice again (but not to clutter this blog with details). So here is the executive summary.

I selected a starting point of just doing 20 straight days of Asana, only 10 minutes per day. The sole intent of this was to establish the habit. I also stated that any break in this would cause me to reset the count of 20 days. This was the most insightful thing I have done in many months. I am now on day seven of the the twenty and I am already having good results and learning a thing or two about the practice. This coincides with reading John St. John by Crowley, from which one good idea was taken, and has borne good fruit.

In other news, Sid and Harold were visiting from St George, putting their son in the MTC. I placed an old laptop with Harold, that he plans to use for genealogy. It is a computer I spent many hours with at work, that would otherwise be going to the shredder.

When mowing the lawn Friday morning, I came to a spot where my foot went 'squish'. I brushed it off as imagination. Then I squished again. The short version of the story is that, bright Monday morning, a crew will show up to dig the trench into which the new water supply line will be placed. Lovely.

Other than that, it has been a profoundly unproductive weekend. I am reading much, and getting small things done. Maybe when I run out of small things, I will begin to do the things that really matter.

Three Days, Two Bodies, and way too much pussy

This week was dominated by celebrating the Three Days of the Writing of the Book of the Law. Day One - the Clark Planetarium. Day Two - Gilgal Gardens. Day Three - Pot luck and Bonfire. We also read the Book of the In Laws. (Do it, then wilt.)

The first two days were me, Holly, Beverly and Dylan. The last day was me, Sara, Chris and Gretchen. Is Horus Oasis one body or two?

Melinda likes to collect cats. She wants to be a Cat Lady when she grows up. She denies this, but her actions speak another truth. She dragged one cat home to her mother's house. It promptly terrorized the other two cats, one of which had to move in with me. Then she got two more cats when she got a new apartment. Then she started taming a one-eyed cat in the trailer park. Last week, Jack sauntered into the house, made a nest in her bedroom closet, and squeezed out four kittens.

Then Shannon adopted a neighborhood stray.

Too many cats. Too much pussy.

I was all ready to spend the weekend FOCUSED. Saturday turned into a joke. I know I accomplished something....somewhere....but I'll be damned if I can remember what. So when my eyelids creaked open at 5:30 this morning, I tried really hard to go back to sleep. After all, if the weekend was doomed to failure, why not embrace the failure? I tried in vain. Before 6:00 I had delivered The Volkswagen to the mechanic and was starting on the weekend chores. I was actually getting things done, but I have a talent for focusing my energies on stuff that doesn't matter. Instead of fighting it, I went with it. Much to my shock and horror (and perverse delight) I spent some of that energy tossing out my old porn collection.

Did I just confess that I have (or had) a porn collection? Did I just call it a "collection"? (As opposed to stash, stack, etc.)

Sigh. WAY too much pussy.

Being Priest

To wrap up the last post - the piano is moved. Did you know that a small upright piano will (barely) fit through the side doors of a Nissan mini-van? It was amazing. Loraine has her piano, Lisa has a chance to achieve peace of mind, Liz has residence in another state (thank the gods) and Lorna has no clue. The L's are covered.

Last Saturday was gnostic mass. I was priest. I started the ritual "playing the part of priest", which is not the same as 'being priest". After entering the tomb and having needed preparations take place, I closed my eyes as one who is dead. Then I was alone for a brief instance in the temple, and I opened my eyes. Through the cloth covering the tomb I could see the candles on the fire altar, great altar and super-altar. 23 candles in all: 22 beyond the great veil and one in Tiphareth. It was gorgeous.

The ritual went well, but it was "Andy acting the role of priest", tracking the script, registering the next line or action, wondering how to perform each step for best effect for the congregation. Then it happened. A few lines into the Anthem I was wondering: Is it too fast? Too slow? Too loud? Do this? Do that? And something in my head told me: Andy - Forget about the congregation and sing the Anthem only for yourself and for your Priestess. And I did. And in that moment I became Priest. For the rest of the ritual there was no tracking, no thinking, no worrying. Lines and actions just happened, in proper sequence, all on their own. The magick was there. It was just plain freaking great.

But I have to be careful. Coming out of the ritual feeling like the king of the world, there is a temptation to interact with the world as if you are king of the world. This can be good and bad. Being willing to do my Will, with much less fretting about the world, is refreshing. But there is a danger of running roughshod over the unwashed masses - of becoming a jerk. Care must be taken to hold onto the good and manage the bad. Which leads to the next item...

Matthew Murray, Liber OZ and finding balance.

A little over a week ago, young Mr. Murray grabbed his guns and sauntered off into the headlines. The only good thing that can be said about this is that a young woman with the proper training and the proper tools put an end to his rampage after only four lives had been taken. (Only..."only" four stars snuffed out, "only" three families devastated, "only" two congregations jolted into shock, "only" a nation once again appalled and moving closer to being jaded.) About a year ago he found the O.T.O. and was accepted as a Welcomed Guest of the Ad Astra Oasis. But he was not accepted for full membership. In one of his postings, Mr. Murray mentioned meditating on Liber Oz. Great. Wonderful.

Liber Oz has been on my mind lately. Then this happens and really pushes it to the forefront of my psyche. So what about Liber Oz?

On first reading, the common reaction is to assume the rights of man apply to me. Me, me, me. And I get to get gothic on anyone who gets in my way. But then you realize...

1. It might just apply to other people too. This means the I have no right to abridge the Will of the other, under penalty of death.
2. It says "Man has the right..." When the word "man" is used in this way, it refers to humanity as a whole. In this light, the document becomes a polemic against abridgment of rights by church, by state, or by foreign powers. Can you say, "American Revolution"?
3. "Will" is not the same as "want". (Not to be explained here.)
4. "thou hast no right but to do thy will. Do that and no other shall say nay." Look at this one closely. What is says is this: If it is your "will" (not want, but will in the largest sense), then you have every right to do it. But - it is the only thing that you have this sort of right to. "Want" has no place in this document, or in the true rights of man. I know I explain it poorly. But it makes sense to me, and that is all that matters.
5. "Man has the right to kill..." Ouch. This is what raises hackles and makes murderers of people who JUST DON'T GET IT. Having a right doesn't oblige you to exercise it. Having a right does not allow you to abridge the rights of others. And - most important - THINKING that you have a right does not make it so. Pity the fool who is so short on imagination and resource that he feels the need to resort to violence. Pity the fool who is so short on understanding that he dismisses the rights of others. When, and only when, the rights being abridged prevent the Great Work - When, and only when, all other options have been exhausted - then is the Mage allowed to consider the option of violence. And even then, wisdom often says "no" and the universe opens another way.

End of rant.

Still thinking

Musings first....

So I've had the "doing by non-action" of the Tao rolling around in my head. Rolling with it are some of the other pairings of thought posted recently. In this state of mind, while reading from Magick Without Tears, I run across definitions...

"To fill the mind entirely with one thing, to the exclusion of all else: This is Magick."

"To empty the mind of all: This is Yoga."

(I paraphrase.)

I didn't read any further (mostly due to external circumstance). But it all fit together. There was this little collision where I thought, "But in the O.T.O. system of MAGICK, the first instruction and practice is YOGA." And before the dust had time to clear, I understood. The mind cannot be fully filled with one thing, until it is FIRST emptied of all that is not the one thing. Yoga is the door to Magick. Didn't I write in one of my journals years ago about the need to banish before one can invoke? And also of the futility of a banishing that isn't followed by an invocation?

Musings are done, now the Monkey Politics

The angst of a few weeks ago has mostly either subsided or transformed. In the case of Lorna, after realizing that I needed to polity tell her that she needed to either go away or bring something to the exchange of energies, she managed to go away.

With the grrls in Salt Lake (the one where I have no freaking idea what to do), I had to cancel a last session before they went out of town, and now I have until mid-October to stew over it. This is a relationship I want to keep (duh), but some of the dynamics need to change. I've known this for a while, and I've also known that much of it has to do with me, and a little with them. Alas, even small change can sometimes be large.

As for The Woman in Tooele......
I reverted to the position that Kate tried to convert me to some years ago. Expect nothing, then you can't be disappointed. On my last visit, I did just that. And it turned out pretty good. Externally, it was a little better than normal, only in that Lisa was a little more communicative about some things. (How much of that originated with her, and how much was allowed by my change of mood and response?) Internally, it honestly did the trick. This even extended beyond the human interaction thing down to wrestling with the dishwasher. Instead of being a 2 hour 20 dollar job, it ballooned into a 5 hour 35 dollar job. But having flushed the expectations or desires to do other things on the list, it was just cool beans.

Like hitting your head with a hammer then wondering why it hurts

I am insane. I have started a study group.

At the beginning of June, Renee (coffee goddess at Steamers) mentioned in passing that she had once been going through Donald Michael Kraig’s book, Modern Magick. It is a book I own and have wanted to work through. Then I found another person with the same story to tell. So I went to Renee and proposed a study group. We contacted people we thought might be interested, and we started the last week of June. Right now we are spending a few weeks on the LBRP (Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram) and the Tarot.

Triggers

First let me report on the mundane happenings in my universe. ADP informed us all last month that we are moving to a common review date for yearly raises. April 1st for the raise, so the reviews get done during March. My last review was in November, so this one will be prorated for the short number of months. The money part of it has the potential to be rather nice, but I'm not sure this makes up for what a pain in the ass it was to do the review, especially when I have barely recovered from the trauma of my last review. But it was nice to be dealing with Johnny this time instead of Kris. I also found that my classification is Tech 3 - top for my department (but likely lower than reality). This is better than the Tech 2 they pasted on me after the acquisition.

The last several weeks I have been attending a 'Thelemic Magick and Mysticism' class at Amber's place, taught by Mark Anthony. While the quality of the 'class' is nothing to strike fear into the hearts of college instructors, the actual flow and results have been great. Every week turns into a pretty good discussion, even when it veers wildly off topic. But most important, the class has got me (and a few others) started on doing a daily practice. We started out with the first leg of Yoga and tried to progress though them one each week. This is an absurdly fast pace for true practice, but there really is no other way to teach it in a group such as ours. I have settled on a version of yoga that emphasizes observing body and mind, while not trying to control the mind. I'll move to that later. I'm up to 30 minutes of asana (admittedly it is sloppy asana), 3 to 4 times a week. It feels good.

Last weekend I made myself a white robe. I had two aims in mind. First, I needed to learn and practice for making a black robe for my first degree initiation. Second, I need a white robe for my confirmation into the ECG. The project took me most of the weekend. It looks pretty good on me, has no major flaws, but would make a real seamstress swoon in dismay. Among other things, I learned the black robe will have to have the edges all sewed up to keep end threads from unraveling in the wash. I'm hoping to purchase black material tomorrow and get started this weekend, then finish next weekend. Also next weekend, I'll be asking for my first degree application.

But all that stuff above is just bookkeeping. The real issues right now are depression and anger. It is odd that one of the results of the yoga has been to increase self awareness and observation - seeing the bullshit for what it is and separating from it. I would expect this self awareness to be good for me, but it isn't working out that way this time. It seems that the self awareness is only having an influence on the level of the intellect - the "thinking" Andy. On the level of emotion, the "feeling" Andy, I am - to quote Trent Reznor, "Down in it." It's an odd feeling, sort of like the ego-dystonic state that an OCD victim finds herself in. Here I am getting all wrapped up in bad reactions and feelings, while a part of me is watching it all happen, detached and separate, with a sort of shock and amazement.

The stage for this was set last week when Kate e-mailed her first play in our Scrabble by Mail game. She used all seven letters to rack up a hefty opening score, but with a word that she essentially made up. She confessed that it isn't in the dictionary, but that it was still valid for some bullshit reason or another. I plugged it into Google and found that Microsoft uses it as some sort of private geek term, but only in the same way half a million other non-words flash in and out of existence in sheltered settings. "Isobits." Whatever. So this put me in the position where I can either call her on it and be the asshole, or roll over and accept it, losing the game while allowing her to push my ass around. Great - I can lose, or I can lose.

This and other incidents set the stage for the depression, but I was still barely above it. The trigger point for down in it came a few days later, and was the most stupid and embarrassing incident. On the way back from the track on Wednesday, I made the mistake of swinging by the H.H. residence and trying to say hello to H.H.'s whelp. I was soundly ignored. So I just went away. But it really bugged me - more than it should have for anyone, and far more than it should have for an inbred shit like her.

[Redacted gripe and moan centered on wenches]

I must make one thing very clear at this point. The events above are not causes for depression. The causes are several and varied and tied up in all aspects of who I am and the little universe I live in. The events above are triggers. As such, they aren't the problem and really don't matter. If there is a problem to be addressed, it is to change how I respond to the triggers, not to make the triggers go away.

Despite my complaining, there is a good side to things. The discussion at the seminar was good, and the only thing better than a good group discussion is good one-on-one brain sex. I also finished my white robe last weekend, and it actually looks pretty good (as long as you don't look too closely). This clears on hurdle for confirmation into the EGC and I'm ready to make the black robe for my first degree initiation. And, to leave of this feel good fest, we bring up my favorite obsession - my weight has been staying down.

Walter Mitty meets Adolph Hitler

The Yoga practice from the Thelema class has moved along to observing the thoughts without trying to change or control them. Just observe. The phrase I initially jotted down after the first time ding this was, "Floor show in the brain while doing yoga". I have since stopped calling it a Floor Show and started calling it a zoo. In my magickal journal I noted it was like a series of overwritten and overacted dramas, played out with me as the star of them all, acting a role that is an odd combination of Walter Mitty and Adolf Hitler. Having been forced to observe my thoughts like this may have changed what is happening in my every day mind. I am playing out fewer dramas and spending less time obsessing. For the past several months I have also had this same awful little 2-bar tune repeating in my mind, day and night. For the first time since it started, I realized a few days ago the tune was gone. This was something of a minor shock. The tune has since returned, but is less obtrusive than it used to be. I am also wondering if there is a connection between the yoga and my earlier complaints of some of my Monkey Boy reactions. I recognized my behaviors sooner and more completely than I am used to. In other words, I have been more self aware. I have also done better at asking myself how to change future reactions, and have come up with better answers. Having said this, I will probably by punished for my hubris by doing or saying something in the next few days that will truly mortify and appall me, maybe even getting me into a serious trouble with a friend or coworker. This will be the equivalent of the universe smiling, rocking back on its heels, and saying, "This is the real lesson, bub. The other shit was just a warm up."

Beverly is reading a book called The Brain and the Mind by a Dr. Schwartz who has also written a few books on OCD. It looked interesting enough, so I got a copy of my own tonight. The central thesis of the book is that the brain doesn't stop growing and connecting at a certain age. The adult brain has been found to have stem cells and to generate new cells, new neural connections, and new pathways. The way Beverly phrased it is that it is possible to get a new brain. Like the old quote, "If you want to be somebody else you'll have to change your mind." I also bought the CD Summertime Dream by Gordon Lightfoot. This was a pure and simple nod to nostalgia - this was one of the first albums I bought as a teen. When I listened to the album later I realized just how good it is. I found myself singing along with a few of the songs as if I had never forgotten them.