Saturday, September 13, 2008

Pagan Pride

Pagan Pride Day, Murray Park, about 30 minutes before things begin.

First things first. I need to set the mood for the day, and this is best done by committing it to writing. Ahem. I am not here to change the world. I expect only one - maybe two - people to show up at any future O.T.O. events as a result of today. I accept that our presence is not impressive, and I don't care. What is supposed to happen today will happen regardless of how hard I squat and strain - or not - in an effort to make it happen. At least one person will try to drag me into conflict. I will not have a cute pagan chick beg me for sex. All of this is fine. My main goal today is to chill, enjoy conversation and get some reading and writing done.

Now - for the main topics rolling around in my brain of late. The questions are...
  1. Do we (the 'royal We' in this case being the Holly-Beverly-Andy collective) want to stick with Horus Oasis, fully committed to it in terms of growth into a larger body?
  2. Do we want to stick with Horus Oasis treating it as belonging to the collective, and welcoming others to play with us?
  3. Does the collective want to keep playing, but not as Horus Oasis?
  4. Does the collective want to no longer play?
Last Tuesday I talked this over with the girls. The answer from B was number one, without reservation. The answer from H was, "I'm not sure I like the O.T.O., but this is where the universe tells me I am supposed to be, so this is where I will be." I took that as a Number 2. As for me...

What triggered this was having the Horus Oasis treasurer resign. Now that time has passed and I can see it in perspective, it is no big deal. Truth is there is very little work involved, and it was more hassle for me to connect with him to sign quarterly reports than it would have been if I had been running the whole damned thing. But the news hit me rather hard when it was received. I felt like the entire Oasis was abandoning me to run it alone. So it made me question if I wanted to stay involved myself. In retrospect, maybe I was hoping they would say they didn't want to play anymore, allowing me to drop it without guilt. I seem to spend much time in this headspace. Too much time. Too much time dithering, and not enough committing. I need to do with this what I did recently with my personal practice: set a goal to perform to a set level for a set period of time, record the results, then choose what to do next.

[Pithy Observation the first. After announcing the first pair of workshops, everyone basically stood around looking at each other. Like lemmings. Or worse.]

Speaking of this, there is some to report on my personal practice. With the month of September, I continued with the Yoga practice and resumed my exercise program. I set a goal to get my weight down to 185 by my birthday. Here is the report.

As of yesterday I have 9 days of personal practice and 9 days at the gym. I grade myself B plus to A minus on my eating habits. My average weight for the week is 202 - right on target. I am also feeling better and fitting just a bit better into my pants.

Instead of reading, I am talking to Beverly, talking to people about Horus, or writing. Most of the Beverly talk is about how to deal with situations centered around other close friends. Near the start she asked, "What do you want to do?" after much talk and a bit of looking at my words and actions, I realize what I want to do. And what keeps me from doing it. My 'aha moment' came when I said, "It would all be so much easier if my mother would just die." And what if she did? Then I would no longer be tasked with watching the house and could move out. But there is no room in Kathleen's house and I really don't want to be in her airspace. So I would move....where? And after the estate is settled, I end up with a small stash of cash. Move out of town, make a few changes, divorce Kathleen, etc.. Of course there is much more to it than this. I wonder how much of my thought process is formed by wanting to avoid certain looming disasters. Maybe I should rethink things from different points of the compass. Make a list of all the women in the herd and ask, "What would I do if this person went away?" Then follow it with, "What would I do if everyone EXCEPT this person left my life." I must go through this exercise later.

No comments: