Saturday, February 26, 2005

Walter Mitty meets Adolph Hitler

The Yoga practice from the Thelema class has moved along to observing the thoughts without trying to change or control them. Just observe. The phrase I initially jotted down after the first time ding this was, "Floor show in the brain while doing yoga". I have since stopped calling it a Floor Show and started calling it a zoo. In my magickal journal I noted it was like a series of overwritten and overacted dramas, played out with me as the star of them all, acting a role that is an odd combination of Walter Mitty and Adolf Hitler. Having been forced to observe my thoughts like this may have changed what is happening in my every day mind. I am playing out fewer dramas and spending less time obsessing. For the past several months I have also had this same awful little 2-bar tune repeating in my mind, day and night. For the first time since it started, I realized a few days ago the tune was gone. This was something of a minor shock. The tune has since returned, but is less obtrusive than it used to be. I am also wondering if there is a connection between the yoga and my earlier complaints of some of my Monkey Boy reactions. I recognized my behaviors sooner and more completely than I am used to. In other words, I have been more self aware. I have also done better at asking myself how to change future reactions, and have come up with better answers. Having said this, I will probably by punished for my hubris by doing or saying something in the next few days that will truly mortify and appall me, maybe even getting me into a serious trouble with a friend or coworker. This will be the equivalent of the universe smiling, rocking back on its heels, and saying, "This is the real lesson, bub. The other shit was just a warm up."

Beverly is reading a book called The Brain and the Mind by a Dr. Schwartz who has also written a few books on OCD. It looked interesting enough, so I got a copy of my own tonight. The central thesis of the book is that the brain doesn't stop growing and connecting at a certain age. The adult brain has been found to have stem cells and to generate new cells, new neural connections, and new pathways. The way Beverly phrased it is that it is possible to get a new brain. Like the old quote, "If you want to be somebody else you'll have to change your mind." I also bought the CD Summertime Dream by Gordon Lightfoot. This was a pure and simple nod to nostalgia - this was one of the first albums I bought as a teen. When I listened to the album later I realized just how good it is. I found myself singing along with a few of the songs as if I had never forgotten them.

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