"If I looked for my glasses in the morning in the way that most seekers search for god, I would stumble around half blind all day." – Dr. A. W. Tozer
The ritual Thursday night was interesting. It looks like the group might be worth hanging with , even if it is full of young crazy people with way too many addictions and hang-ups. (Maybe they are just normal, but less occult – if I may use the word – in their shortcomings).
Once enough of the gang arrived at Steamers, I was recruited to play taxi. I dropped one kid off in east Provo, then it was to Geneva road near UVSC. On the ride there was a kid in the front seat who reminds me of Rick before he joined the army. He was wearing a black trench coat that I was jealous as hell of. He is...interesting. I find that the more I know him the less he reminds me of Rick in look, sound and mannerism, but more in dress habit and attitude. Does this make sense? Then there was the drunk chick in the back seat, whose name I didn't know at the time. She comes back into the story later. She was drunk. All the way over, she was going on about here addictions and problems, talking to no one in particular. I smiled at the part about "I don't need a man...I can just masturbate to get an orgasm..." I am thinking to myself that it was certain she would get laid within 12 hours, maybe with someone whose name she didn't even know.
It was at Emily's house (Emily being the Coffee Goddess in Harem pants from a previous post). She had one room of a house being shared by a rather wild bunch of people, connected with the coffee shop and with the smoke shop next door. It was a party house, which ended up being sort of a bad thing in the long run. The ritual was in Emily's room, which made for cramped quarters. Casting the circle had the HP calling the quarters while the rest of repeated a goddess chant. Then a reading or sermon of sorts, then a wine ritual, stating our personal wishes, our wishes for the Coven, then combining those wishes to a single container then separating them back out and consuming them. My wishes? For myself, it was to control some issues with alcohol and to find focus (more on these later). For the Coven, my stated desire was that it simply endure. The only hitch was the drunk chick – she was a bit of a distraction, but seemed to do a fair amount of sobering up for circle – she went from full blown slosh, the "Weebles Wobble..."
But then there was after ritual. The habit of the group is to gather with the others who live in the place and get drunk, smoke a bowl, etc. I stayed for a little of the drinking part (watching, not drinking) and followed the crowd outside when it was time to smoke (cigarettes). Then someone pointed to the sky and said, "Look at the ring around the moon." Remember past journal entries about rings around the moon? Well this one was as big and as bright as any of those I've seen before. One of the people looking at it was Drunk Chick. Well Drunk Chick decided she needed a hug. From me. A very long hug, complete with pulling my head down on her shoulder. Then after a short breather, she needed another hug. Fuck.
So here is Andy building his emotional walls, digging moats and laying mine fields, then this little girl makes an assault on it. I talked to another attendee later, in a sort a "What the fuck was that?" conversation and found that Drunk Chick didn't mean anything by it, and that if there was a problem with it I could just tell her straight up what I expected and it would be cool.
Before I went to ritual I made up my mind that the Monkey Boy member of my inner committee would be banished I wouldn't allow myself to let the "Sex Thing" have a place in my thoughts. I also did a general banishing of ego, feeling it wise to play a suitably small and proper role in the ritual. I succeeded. I was proud of myself. Then the drunk chick thing happens, pulling me out of that zone, dangling forbidden fruit in front of Monkey Boy, and bringing to the surface all that I had tried to banish.
I'm sure it will all turn out well. Nevertheless, there is a part of me that wonders what would have happened if I had taken advantage of the situation – how far I could have gotten in getting her to bed. Maybe the 'big change' indicated by the circle around the moon was that I would finally 'get it' and keep Monkey Boy in his place. [Six weeks later, this seems to be true. Proper decorum has been maintained, Drunk Chick acts a bit uncomfortable around me, but I'm trying my best to put her at ease. It is good, but Monkey Boy resents not getting laid or at the very least nuzzled a bit.]
My wish with the Alcohol was nothing so foolish as to stop drinking. entirely At this time it is neither desired nor proper (not to mention doable). Instead, it is to draw a few lines to keep the booze from screwing up a few of my ambitions. For example, as I write this I've had a little Sherry and I'm going to have some more right now. [yum] But I have kept to my goals so far this evening, and I committed during gnosis earlier this evening to keep to my goals (one of them being to catch up on my journal entries). The problem comes when there is no gnosis or other resolve, then I indulge in overeating or ignoring my goals. In the last few months I've gained back at least 5 pounds and fallen behind on a number of personal projects, small and large. As for focus, that is an ongoing thing. I'll make up my mind what I want to do (which is better than the land of indecision where I usually live) but then piss away my efforts with diversions and distractions. Focus.
(But what is focus really? Am I just focusing on more finely defined distractions? The questioner strikes again.)
Gnosis. More accurately it is Sexual Gnosis. [Details redacted]