Wednesday, December 01, 2004

Schmucks in Love

The wheels are in motion. Yesterday I handed over the paperwork for my Minerval initiation. An interesting conversation accompanied this, but it has been redacted. Suffice it to say that, in the time between getting my paperwork and handing it back in, the Oasis suffered scandal and has a new (returning) body master.

My initiation has been a long time coming. In fact is has been years in the making. But it is finally time. Pam replaced the deposed Body Master. I am assuming that mine will be her first initiation since taking the office. When I stop and think, I realize that this is something of a burden. I'm sure everyone already has enough to do without me coming along and asking for a chunk of their time and energy. But that is actually a secondary reaction. My initial reaction before that is the time has come for me to pitch in and help. I know it will be a while for me to advance far enough to make a real contribution, but my time will come. It will be interesting to see how things stand a year from now, or even five years down the road.

It also feels like it is time for me to take my place in the lodge. It is a "gut feeling" thing. I belong. It is meant for me, and I am meant for it. I can't explain it any better than that.

Then, of course, there is the number 43. The way things worked out, pretty much without planning it that way, the best logical date for my initiation turned out to be January 8, 2005. My 43'rd birthday. Then I realized that the number 43 has followed me around for years, since I was a teenager. So maybe this is why I've been followed by 43? Does it all point to birthday 43 as being a turning point? It this a sign post, telling me that I am on course? Maybe. I would like to think so. We'll see.

In other observations, I've been more faithful at doing the adorations of Liber Resh. It has improved my mood and my focus. I'm getting shit done and feeling better. This is a good thing. Even the "Kathleen thing" has improved. I've known for I while that I'm screwing up in the way I treat her. But the combination of inertia, pride and just plain not knowing what else to do has kept me from changing. But after the Karma discussion with A.M. last week, the change has been small (that is one really tough wall to climb, and I'm not ready to climb it yet.)

I'm also picking up that Kate is pissed off about the O.T.O. thing. She will deny this. Maybe she is right - but then maybe not. She sees it as way to structured and anal and heaven knows what else. She has now taken the tack of saying things like, "You follow your heart. You do what calls to you. Good for you. I'm sure you'll love it. Blah, blah, blah." But I've heard the words and the tone of voice before, usually when talking about Barry and his fuck-ups (real or perceived). So what she is really telling me is, "Don't say I didn't warn you. You'll be sorry. Don't come crying to me. You made your bed, now sleep in it. Been nice knowing you." Sigh. I guess I'll just have to prove her wrong.

But then Kate is also getting a taste of come-uppance from the universe. The circle she is in drew lots to see who would take charge and set the agenda for the next year. The deal was to use the tradition the 'winner' was "first trained in." So, who is the person in the circle who most tweaks Kate? Rowan. Why? Because she comes from the most regimented tradition of all the people in the circle. Kate has done a bit of complaining about her. So who won the lottery? Rowan. It gets better - Rowan has asked Kate to be Crone for the year (snigger). Oh yeah - and the Priest (only guy in the group) is my age and is, according to Kate, a putz. Kate says if I was in the circle I would be the obvious first choice for HP (her opinion - others might disagree), so that will add to her tweak factor.

I am taking a very small measure of perverse joy in Kate's suffering. The universe will punish me.

[redacted long rant about friend who is in love and being jilted. Boo hoo.]

I made noises that were pleasant but non-committal. There is nothing else to do.


I love the man, but the fact is he did this all to himself. He set himself up like a bowling pin, pasted a neon sign to his brow, flashing "Kick me in the ass." Then he all but forced Laura to break his heart for him.


I suppose the day will come when I can knock him to the ground, sit on his chest and tell him what a schmuck he is. Until then I get to be nice and make the pleasant noises.

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