Sunday, December 12, 2004

Ziggy Stardust and Mack the Knife

What did the church fathers said about the 35th birthday? That you will be JUST LIKE THIS in the resurrection. Today would have been Rick's 35th. If he was still around, I am sure that I would be forcing him to endure the horrors of a party, and a central theme would be to list everything wrong with him and inform him that he was stuck with this for ALL OF ETERNITY. Buwah-ha-ha-ha. I guess I could go on about it, but it all boils down to one thing - I miss the asshole.

One small note - it seems that Rick shares a birthday with Frank Sinatra, just like I share with Elvis and Ziggy Stardust. It seems very fitting.

Last week I quit the Coven here in Provo. We were supposed to meet last Sunday at Steamers. I showed up and found out the hard way that there really wasn't a meeting. I then spent a half hour listening to one member (and employee of the shop) complain about life in general and the coven leader in particular. Then Thursday rolled around and I was looking at coven meeting that night. I realized that I really wasn't looking forward to it, and that if I wasn't looking forward to it then I shouldn't be going. I spent a while thinking it over, especially comparing to my feelings about the O.T.O., where I always looked forward to the meetings. On top of that was the realization that I wouldn't have the time in my schedule to handle both the Coven and the O.T.O.. So I headed over to Steamers and told the woman who was doing the complaining of my decision and to pass the message along to the fearless leader.

In the theatre of the mind, I imagined the leader might put me to some sort of grilling and try to find out what was 'wrong' or what 'the cause' was for me quitting. I determined to tell her that it just wasn't a good fit, nothing wrong with them, but it didn't resonate with me, and that was all. Last night she called to give me her new phone number then asked why I quit. Much to my delight, she accepted my well rehearsed explanation with grace and kindness, and all was good.

Once again I find myself at the end of the year with unused vacation days on my schedule at work. So I am taking Fridays off work again. In some ways it is nice, in others it isn't working put as well as it has in the past. Instead of using the time to play, I've been trying to get things done. Even things from work. For example, on the first Friday (last weekend) I completed some training I had committed to at work. But it went slower than it should have, and most of the time I had Kathleen over my left shoulder at her desk. I don't know what bothered me worse about that: Feeling like she was spying on me, or noticing that she was doing nothing but playing games or screwing around with e-mails. She wasn't DOING anything - just vegetating. How can a person live that way (says the kettle in reference to the pot).

This weekend was more of the same. I had a list of things to do. While I made good progress on it, when taking the weekend as a whole, the Friday portion seemed to be mired.

My one salvation in this has been the work I have been doing with focus. "Focus" is a factor that I chose to invoke into my life about a month ago. Invoking is fine, but you need to do more than just clench your teeth and spit out the pained words..."m-u-s-t - - - f-o-c-u-s". So I did two things, and they seem to combine to do the trick. The first is to make sure I go into the evening or the weekend with a prioritized list. Then during daily Gnosis, there has been a bit of a change to what is recited. The additions are, "I will work the list. I will do it in the order listed. I will not allow distractions." Simple as that. But this brings the observation that one of the easiest and hardest things to do is to identify the problem, then say to yourself, "I will do this. I will not do that." But once the words are spoken, it seems to add force to will, and the job gets done. Today, for example, I really wanted to waste time instead of writing in my journal. But the larger part of me wants to get some thoughts down before they fly. So I remembered what I had invoked, and I sat my ass down and wrote. It felt good. Earlier in the day, I wanted to take some work in the back yard and push it to next weekend. Easy enough. But then I remembered that it was next on the list, and that I told myself I would take things in the order I had initially listed. So I did it. And it felt good. Getting the wood stacked, as on the list, was no big deal. But sticking with my commitment to myself and staying true to my word, that was another.

Ye Gods - I look back on that last paragraph and part of me is appalled that it is written by a 42 year old man and not a teenager. Eek.

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