The depression I mentioned in my previous journal entry looked like it was going away when I wrote, but instead it turned worse and stayed around for a while. This isn't the first time I've gone through bouts like this, but it my reaction to it this time was different. Something in me stood up and said, "Enough is enough." The time has come to make some changes and deal with the depression, once and for all.
The O.T.O. members I talk to speak in reverenced tones about "The Ordeals", but not as something written in stone that comes down from the initiators or body masters. Instead, the ordeals happen on their own, at the bequest of the universe. The consensus is that, as soon as you choose to seek an initiation (either making the choice or handing in the application) the wheels of the universe are set in motion and the ordeal begins. Only Mark has given the details of one of his ordeals, having to deal with his 16 year old daughter having a baby. With my Minerval, it seemed to be LL crawling out of the woodworks. So this last weekend I decided to get the ball rolling for my First Degree and baptism at the next Gnostic Mass. This was about the time I decided to do something about the depression. This isn't a new thought for me, but after hearing the other people talk, I backed off from it, thinking it was written in stone that the ordeal would choose me instead of me choosing it. But then this fit of depression hit, and the uncharacteristic reaction to finally do something with it, and I had to reverse myself yet again. I think this is the ordeal. And if I am wrong? The effort won't be wasted…and the real ordeal will certainly find me.