Existential angst tour 2005. 5:20 PM at Steamers. I took out my Minerval initiation today. It was at D.H.'s place, with D. officiating. True to my previous journal entry, I studiously avoided doing anything to prepare. To initiate is to begin. So I knew that the ritual was the time to begin. So I didn’t begin before the beginning. It was interesting, but if I write anything at all about it, it will be after I’ve had some time to digest the events.
Driving home, as I hit the freeway entrance, I was thinking to myself that I sure didn’t feel any different. But then I realized that...it was a beginning. Not the end. So I wasn’t supposed to feel different or changed or complete or anything. I was supposed to begin. Actually, we had a conversation earlier that rituals do that - they leave you feeling like, “So what?” Then the next morning you wake up in a totally different world. But as of now, I’m just the same old guy, with the same old ache in the pit of my stomach on the drive home, the same doubts, etc.
Before going home I headed north to the cemetery to pay homage to my dad. Then, I allowed my car to drive me to Golden Braid. Lo and behold, there was Bill, formerly of the O.T.O.. (He does tarot reads there). It was an uncomfortable conversation for the first bit. At first I didn’t want to mention the Minerval, but when I did it actually brightened him up a bit. Somewhere in there I said thank you to him “for all he had done.” His brows knit in question marks. Then I told him I understood his questioning, but he really had done something for me. What I didn’t tell him was that the conversation at Pagan Pride Day, and helping with the mass, really made up my mind to take this path.