I made the list yesterday, or at least a first rough draft, then became involved in setting up Melinda's furniture.
Later in the day yesterday, then again this morning, I realized this list doesn't address some of the things that really need to change in my life. There is more to life than magic, and those things need to be addressed. But there isn't, and should not be, a complete firewall between Magick and 'normal life.' How did Lon Milo phrase it? "Magick isn't my life, but it makes my life Magickal." So, while the ' list' is mostly made, there is more thinking to be done.
Oakland is being an interesting place. If I was single and free of external obligation, it would be a temptation to move to a place like this. Melinda found an apartment in a mixed race neighborhood, in a [mostly] non-scary part of town. It is only a block off Lakeside. There is grocery, park, coffee and bar within walking distance. The apartment is well maintained (workmen came in yesterday and did repairs that will consume the first month or two of rent Melinda pays) and the manager is friendly. Parking is a bitch, so if I moved here I would be tempted to shed my car and get a good bike (and maybe a scooter or motorbike). Right now I am on the back patio, enjoying a cool breeze from the bay and loving the Heavenly Blue morning glory along the back fence. If I lived here, I would stake some sort of claim on the back porch, adding enough personal touch to see my personality in it, but not enough to frighten the neighbors.
Speaking of...two of them have wandered by taking things to the trash. First the lady with the pink shock of hair and the two miniature pincer dogs. Buddy and Elvis. Love it. Then the twenty something emo guy with one pant leg rolled up, the other down, and an air about him that speaks of a weak resolve not to drink quite that much next time he goes out to party.
On the down side, the neighbors are packed in close, and having a noisy or obnoxious one magnifies the effect. I thought this would be a big problem, but they all know to tone it down after dark. Other than a brief Barking Dog episode and some loud black ladies who stepped out of a stereotype, it is almost dead calm.
Back to life and magick. The big thing that bothers my right now is my weight and health. I stopped exercising this summer. Over the last few years my weight has slowly crept back up to just over 200 (a gain of about 30). My knees and joints are becoming more fragile. I seem to be in constant pain from one injury or one joint or something. Also, my alcohol use has gone up and this is having an effect on my body, psyche and spirit. All things are connected. Magick should inform and strengthen my mundane life. My mundane life should support and strengthen my Magick. When the equation is worked to the final line, Magick and Life become indistinguishable from each other. By this reasoning I can drop the question 'what to do next in magick' and ask 'what to do next in life.' The answer is to make a step or two to improve my health. I would be tempted to take on exercise, diet and alcohol all at the same time, but I already learned the wisdom of taking one step at a time. So the choice is made....
Continue with daily practice of Yoga as before. Do it with some intent in mind, such as to incorporate refining elements into it. Return to my previous exercise routine, working out each day (except Tuesday when I visit H and B), alternating aerobic and strength routines. Again, this will be for 20 days and will be tracked in the magickal diary. The starting date is to be September 2nd - my first full day back to work after this trip - and will end at the equinox.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Friday, August 29, 2008
Getting back in the groove
I completed 20 days of Raja Yoga, with the main intent of establishing the habit. I then intended to build from this to a next stage. The long term goal is to continue building on each stage until I be 'where I want to be' in the daily/regular practice of magic.
Analysis of the 20 days.
Good things:
Bad things:
Analysis of the 20 days.
Good things:
- I intended to do only 10 minutes a day, but quickly took it to 20 minutes (for about 15 of the 20 days).
- I quickly reversed a temptation to pile other goals on the original goal. This prevented setting myself up for failure.
- At the beginning of the period, I read of breathing techniques used by Crowley. I incorporated a version of this into the practice and it was a great success.
- A journal was kept for all days of the period.
Bad things:
- Failure is likely to occur on days that are not 'routine'. In other words, days that are not work days and find me at home in the evening.
- I did skip one day near the end, and it was due to alcohol and other bad choices.
- At the first sign of success, I started to pile other goals onto the original goal (see related 'good thing' above).
- Once the 20 days was up, I stopped. This was not my original intent. The cause of failure is two-fold. First, the first day off practice was also the first of many days living outside normal routine. Second, I had no formally stated plan for what to do next.
- Journal entries were often delayed to the next day. They should have been done just after the end of each Yoga exercise.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Under Pressure
I am not happy this weekend. I have pressure building from one of my friendships. There is continued frustration with Horus Oasis, both with the lack of interest and from my failure to meet my own expectations. There are all of the things I want to do that are going undone. The waste of energy on small things that don't matter. Losing time, energy and Will to alcohol. The only thing that is going well is I am doing well with my daily practice. The first 20 days ends in a few more days. There will be a break of sorts while I travel to San Fransisco. Then Gnostic Mass with the Thelemistas and a return to home. It will be nice to get away - to spend some time ignoring my problems. But then I will return home and my problems will still be here.
[Much more. Redacted.]
[Much more. Redacted.]
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Pluggin along
I've kept up practice of Asana for thirteen days straight. So for so good. At the first sign of success with this I was tempted to pile more onto the plan. In fact I added a second item to the plan, but backed off from it the next day. I need to start simple, establish the habit, and not set myself up for failure.
Gads - you think an old guy like me would have progressed past this whole 'baby step' thing. Apparently not.
When the 20 days are up there will be a break of sorts forced by a trip to San Francisco. I'm helping move Melinda out. My selfish moment in the trip will be attending mass with The Thelemistas. It will be fun.
The second of my short term ambitions with Magick is to resume the practice of ritual, not only in resuming regular practice, but also in learning new ritual. Also in studying it - for while I have been doing the LBRP for years, I have never gone beyond the surface in studying the symbols and meanings of the ritual.
Nothing else to report. Back to cleaning the house.
Gads - you think an old guy like me would have progressed past this whole 'baby step' thing. Apparently not.
When the 20 days are up there will be a break of sorts forced by a trip to San Francisco. I'm helping move Melinda out. My selfish moment in the trip will be attending mass with The Thelemistas. It will be fun.
The second of my short term ambitions with Magick is to resume the practice of ritual, not only in resuming regular practice, but also in learning new ritual. Also in studying it - for while I have been doing the LBRP for years, I have never gone beyond the surface in studying the symbols and meanings of the ritual.
Nothing else to report. Back to cleaning the house.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
So far, so good....
I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of myself. The proposed cure was to buckle down and start Daily Practice again (but not to clutter this blog with details). So here is the executive summary.
I selected a starting point of just doing 20 straight days of Asana, only 10 minutes per day. The sole intent of this was to establish the habit. I also stated that any break in this would cause me to reset the count of 20 days. This was the most insightful thing I have done in many months. I am now on day seven of the the twenty and I am already having good results and learning a thing or two about the practice. This coincides with reading John St. John by Crowley, from which one good idea was taken, and has borne good fruit.
In other news, Sid and Harold were visiting from St George, putting their son in the MTC. I placed an old laptop with Harold, that he plans to use for genealogy. It is a computer I spent many hours with at work, that would otherwise be going to the shredder.
When mowing the lawn Friday morning, I came to a spot where my foot went 'squish'. I brushed it off as imagination. Then I squished again. The short version of the story is that, bright Monday morning, a crew will show up to dig the trench into which the new water supply line will be placed. Lovely.
Other than that, it has been a profoundly unproductive weekend. I am reading much, and getting small things done. Maybe when I run out of small things, I will begin to do the things that really matter.
I selected a starting point of just doing 20 straight days of Asana, only 10 minutes per day. The sole intent of this was to establish the habit. I also stated that any break in this would cause me to reset the count of 20 days. This was the most insightful thing I have done in many months. I am now on day seven of the the twenty and I am already having good results and learning a thing or two about the practice. This coincides with reading John St. John by Crowley, from which one good idea was taken, and has borne good fruit.
In other news, Sid and Harold were visiting from St George, putting their son in the MTC. I placed an old laptop with Harold, that he plans to use for genealogy. It is a computer I spent many hours with at work, that would otherwise be going to the shredder.
When mowing the lawn Friday morning, I came to a spot where my foot went 'squish'. I brushed it off as imagination. Then I squished again. The short version of the story is that, bright Monday morning, a crew will show up to dig the trench into which the new water supply line will be placed. Lovely.
Other than that, it has been a profoundly unproductive weekend. I am reading much, and getting small things done. Maybe when I run out of small things, I will begin to do the things that really matter.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Random Ramble
Today was the Sonzini family reunion. We are all busy becoming our parents. I have no idea what our parents are busy becoming.
After a few weeks of shoveling the mess, I have my temple space cleared out. I have the guest room cleared out. I have my old room decent enough for use as another guest room. The storage room upstairs is less crowded than it used to be. But the basement needs work. I will have to reposition Melinda's stuff and do some other cleaning before I can resume workouts. I estimate another week.
With the 4-10 schedule at work, I have given up going to the gym and my sleep schedule is messed up. This last part which surprises me because all I did was shift it a half hour earlier. I could experiment with the schedule, but with the summer two thirds done I don't see the point.
Melinda has found a place to live in Oakland, and may get a job managing the apartments in exchange for half of her rent. She is excited. We are moving her down the last week of August. Melinda and Kathleen will go a few days before me for two reasons. First, so I can help manage Gnostic Mass on the 23rd. Next, so they can call me after setting up camp and tell me what to bring and what to leave home. This will also leave me fewer days to be sitting around being bored and frustrated. I am planning to attend mass with the Thelemistas on the 30th and network Melinda with a few of The Gang. (I just hope they don't give me too hard a time for being a body master with The Caliphate O.T.O.)
Work:
I keep thinking I am figuring out this Delphi thing, and each time it finds a new way to bite me on the butt. The last time was a bit different, and has me ready to release. I thought the program was ready, then I recalled that the report units had been dropped from the project while I fixed other things. When I added them back, it errored out on compiling. A little bit of internet research turned up some ideas, but not a sure cure. So I dragged Eric over to the desk and between the two of us we got it working. Between the last error, where he provided the first half of the cure and I the second, and this one, where he only offered one small (but essential) suggestion, I am finally feeling able to handle this.
Programming is like Ceremonial Magick. In one mode it is the constant search for The One Thing, taking the aspirant through blind allies, false solutions and endless pain. In another mode it is repeating what you know, but always adding just a bit to the knowledge and practice with each repetition.
So much for the mundane.
I am tired of myself. More than that, I am tired of feeling this way about myself. There is no progress in life, in fact I am losing ground. I am also more aware with the passing of time just how little time I have left to this life. Do I give up and fail the fight? Do I keep up the old patterns of effort followed by inattention and failure? Do I finally find the key to my psyche and make the needed changes?
I am also tired of writing about it in this journal. Before the weekend is out, a new effort begins on a magickal diary and all will be recorded there.
After a few weeks of shoveling the mess, I have my temple space cleared out. I have the guest room cleared out. I have my old room decent enough for use as another guest room. The storage room upstairs is less crowded than it used to be. But the basement needs work. I will have to reposition Melinda's stuff and do some other cleaning before I can resume workouts. I estimate another week.
With the 4-10 schedule at work, I have given up going to the gym and my sleep schedule is messed up. This last part which surprises me because all I did was shift it a half hour earlier. I could experiment with the schedule, but with the summer two thirds done I don't see the point.
Melinda has found a place to live in Oakland, and may get a job managing the apartments in exchange for half of her rent. She is excited. We are moving her down the last week of August. Melinda and Kathleen will go a few days before me for two reasons. First, so I can help manage Gnostic Mass on the 23rd. Next, so they can call me after setting up camp and tell me what to bring and what to leave home. This will also leave me fewer days to be sitting around being bored and frustrated. I am planning to attend mass with the Thelemistas on the 30th and network Melinda with a few of The Gang. (I just hope they don't give me too hard a time for being a body master with The Caliphate O.T.O.)
Work:
I keep thinking I am figuring out this Delphi thing, and each time it finds a new way to bite me on the butt. The last time was a bit different, and has me ready to release. I thought the program was ready, then I recalled that the report units had been dropped from the project while I fixed other things. When I added them back, it errored out on compiling. A little bit of internet research turned up some ideas, but not a sure cure. So I dragged Eric over to the desk and between the two of us we got it working. Between the last error, where he provided the first half of the cure and I the second, and this one, where he only offered one small (but essential) suggestion, I am finally feeling able to handle this.
Programming is like Ceremonial Magick. In one mode it is the constant search for The One Thing, taking the aspirant through blind allies, false solutions and endless pain. In another mode it is repeating what you know, but always adding just a bit to the knowledge and practice with each repetition.
So much for the mundane.
I am tired of myself. More than that, I am tired of feeling this way about myself. There is no progress in life, in fact I am losing ground. I am also more aware with the passing of time just how little time I have left to this life. Do I give up and fail the fight? Do I keep up the old patterns of effort followed by inattention and failure? Do I finally find the key to my psyche and make the needed changes?
I am also tired of writing about it in this journal. Before the weekend is out, a new effort begins on a magickal diary and all will be recorded there.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
The Big Dig
I have spent several hours over the last two months digging through the masses of junk that inhabit my mother's house. As of today, my temple space has been cleared (I was using to it for storage as I "cleared the decks" in the rooms the junk would be sorted back into). But there is still a mountain of junk, and hours of work. In terms of visual effect, I am about 70% done. But in terms of hours spent, I may not have passed the halfway mark yet.
I have been calling at "Archaeological Dig" in jets. but it is turning into the same in earnest. First of all, it has been a prime chance to MAKE STUFF GO AWAY. Don't tell any of my sisters I said that. Next, it is giving me first dibs on the COOL STUFF that no one else knows about. But it is only small stuff, so who cares. But the bulk of the work is sorting out stuff that needs to stay and isn't cool. So I box like items together and find a place for it. When I am done, I expect about a quarter of it to go away, half to be reduced and combined, and the rest to haunt me in my private moments.
There is much family history in the stacks. To that end, mom let me purchase a scanner and a few other goodies, on the promise that the photos get scanned and distributed to the clan. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but reality has set in - it will take time to do this. I have no time. Worse, in the last few days I have found more boxes of photos, tripling (or worse) the amount of work I thought I was in for. But if I don't do it, who will?
On the other hand, it isn't costing me any money. Mom purchased the scanner, a 1/2 TByte drive and the CD blanks. The other hardware fell into my lap from work. A desk came to me from Lisa. All I have to do is.......invest time.
I have been calling at "Archaeological Dig" in jets. but it is turning into the same in earnest. First of all, it has been a prime chance to MAKE STUFF GO AWAY. Don't tell any of my sisters I said that. Next, it is giving me first dibs on the COOL STUFF that no one else knows about. But it is only small stuff, so who cares. But the bulk of the work is sorting out stuff that needs to stay and isn't cool. So I box like items together and find a place for it. When I am done, I expect about a quarter of it to go away, half to be reduced and combined, and the rest to haunt me in my private moments.
There is much family history in the stacks. To that end, mom let me purchase a scanner and a few other goodies, on the promise that the photos get scanned and distributed to the clan. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but reality has set in - it will take time to do this. I have no time. Worse, in the last few days I have found more boxes of photos, tripling (or worse) the amount of work I thought I was in for. But if I don't do it, who will?
On the other hand, it isn't costing me any money. Mom purchased the scanner, a 1/2 TByte drive and the CD blanks. The other hardware fell into my lap from work. A desk came to me from Lisa. All I have to do is.......invest time.
That Pleasing Pain - An OTO Update
I have received word from the Electoral College of the O.T.O. that I have been confirmed Body Master of Horus Oasis. I was expecting it, but arrival of the news was an opportunity to pause and think about the whole thing. I am now free to be the perfect asshole leader with no fears from the responses of the peanut gallery membership.
A few of our minervals decided they want to be initiated to first degree. This is a nice thing, but they wanted to choose the date, and a date that was scarcely more than a month off. I reacted as I normally do, trying to come up with a way to pave the way for them. And it could have worked except for two things: 1) They didn't read the e-mail I sent until after the chance passed and, 2) I did the wrong thing.
I was told a few months ago that I need to be the benevolent dictator. As such, I choose the initiation dates and the rest of the world gets to work around that. So there! (An initiation takes much work by many people, and is offered in love and sacrifice. As such, it really is proper for the initiate to refrain from dictating terms.) On the other hand, it points out that I don't have any plans to handle initiations, and I really need to do something about that. Plan A will be to set up quarterly initiation dates. On those dates we will either initiate, or we will do a rehearsal of the initiation. This is in line with the general will of Beverly and Holly who are applying to become chartered initiators.
In other news, a check for 200 dollars was sent to the First Unitarian Church in order to foster good will after the little accident with the exploding charcoal. I haven't heard back from the Right Reverend Tom yet - and doubt that I will - but I am sure it was the right application of energy and will work the magick I intend.
I think this whole O.T.O. thing is going to work, but will crank up a bit slower than I had foreseen.
A few of our minervals decided they want to be initiated to first degree. This is a nice thing, but they wanted to choose the date, and a date that was scarcely more than a month off. I reacted as I normally do, trying to come up with a way to pave the way for them. And it could have worked except for two things: 1) They didn't read the e-mail I sent until after the chance passed and, 2) I did the wrong thing.
I was told a few months ago that I need to be the benevolent dictator. As such, I choose the initiation dates and the rest of the world gets to work around that. So there! (An initiation takes much work by many people, and is offered in love and sacrifice. As such, it really is proper for the initiate to refrain from dictating terms.) On the other hand, it points out that I don't have any plans to handle initiations, and I really need to do something about that. Plan A will be to set up quarterly initiation dates. On those dates we will either initiate, or we will do a rehearsal of the initiation. This is in line with the general will of Beverly and Holly who are applying to become chartered initiators.
In other news, a check for 200 dollars was sent to the First Unitarian Church in order to foster good will after the little accident with the exploding charcoal. I haven't heard back from the Right Reverend Tom yet - and doubt that I will - but I am sure it was the right application of energy and will work the magick I intend.
I think this whole O.T.O. thing is going to work, but will crank up a bit slower than I had foreseen.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
(not so) Manly Man
Here is the other side of the story of the tree surgeon and the bees.
Yesterday, while unloading the car at Holly and Beverly's, I put a bit of my lunch on the roof of the car. When I turned back, a hornet was hovering above it getting ready to land and feed. I batted it away with a bare hand then forgot about it. An hour later I was making my way from ladder to roof, a scant twelve feet above the ground, with my heart racing like it was the end of the world. The rain gutters were cleaned out, and I returned to the safety of mother earth.
Yesterday, while unloading the car at Holly and Beverly's, I put a bit of my lunch on the roof of the car. When I turned back, a hornet was hovering above it getting ready to land and feed. I batted it away with a bare hand then forgot about it. An hour later I was making my way from ladder to roof, a scant twelve feet above the ground, with my heart racing like it was the end of the world. The rain gutters were cleaned out, and I returned to the safety of mother earth.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Manly Men
Off the East end of the Silver Cottage row homes are a pair of very old, very large trees. They are also rotting from the inside and one of them lost a large branch in a recent storm. So the property owner is having at least one of the trees cut down. When I got home from work on Friday, they were well into the project. The crew was using a cherry picker to get part-way up the tree, then climbing from there. No safety lines that I could see. It hurt me just to look at it.
Saturday morning I was looking out the window now and then to check their progress. Early on I looked out the window, just in time to see the guy on the cherry picker drop his saw to the deck and start yelling and jumping around. I assumed the worst and was expecting to see blood and body parts and bones sticking out of severed limbs. But after a moment I recognized the motions of the "get the nasty flying insect away from me" dance. He was doing the dance like a scared little girl.
This blew my mind. This guy was macho enough to dance 50 feet above the ground with a chain saw, but lost it when he got stung by a bee.
The deck lowered, then raised 30 minutes later. There were two macho dudes this time, armed with bug spray. There was a nest in the rotted center of the tree, and the saw had opened it up. So they sprayed it to oblivion, then finished the cut from the other side of the limb.
I've dealt with bees and wasps before, and usually do it with calm grace. But I also know how much a sting hurts. I figure in the balance of things, the tree dude is way more macho than me. It was interesting to watch.
Saturday morning I was looking out the window now and then to check their progress. Early on I looked out the window, just in time to see the guy on the cherry picker drop his saw to the deck and start yelling and jumping around. I assumed the worst and was expecting to see blood and body parts and bones sticking out of severed limbs. But after a moment I recognized the motions of the "get the nasty flying insect away from me" dance. He was doing the dance like a scared little girl.
This blew my mind. This guy was macho enough to dance 50 feet above the ground with a chain saw, but lost it when he got stung by a bee.
The deck lowered, then raised 30 minutes later. There were two macho dudes this time, armed with bug spray. There was a nest in the rotted center of the tree, and the saw had opened it up. So they sprayed it to oblivion, then finished the cut from the other side of the limb.
I've dealt with bees and wasps before, and usually do it with calm grace. But I also know how much a sting hurts. I figure in the balance of things, the tree dude is way more macho than me. It was interesting to watch.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Tear it all apart...
I've been tearing things apart lately.
Melinda moved all of her stuff into my basement for the summer. My god, how much stuff does a college student need? I needed to make room for it so I started - naturally - at the opposite end of the house. I realized the messes in all the rooms are so connected and dense, that I knew I needed to start cleaning there in order for the bit of open space to roll through the house and make a place for her shit. So I tore certain parts of the house apart, and her stuff is in place. Now I get to put the other rooms back together.
A project at work was being a bit vexing, so I tore it apart. Killed the old tools - burning bridges is great incentive to move forward - then scrapped my day to day duties to make room for it. So far, so good. It will all be in place and beautiful by noon tomorrow. Just in time for the end of the fiscal year.
The eave rebuilding project at Kat's - now on summer number four - is 5 sessions from ending. To make that happen, I tore apart my workout and reading schedules. It sill be done next weekend, then I can turn my attention to repairing concrete and mortar. Long story.
I am tearing apart my alcohol habit. I live in a county that is dry on Sundays. This is a good thing, even though I want a beer so bad I could scream. But I am enjoy knowing that I will be alert and able to work every morning, so I think I'll stay dry for a while.
I am weening myself from Caffeine. Some mountains (booze) are best descended by jumping the cliff. Others (coffee) are best dealt with via a gentle sloping path. Just ask Heather.
Melinda moved all of her stuff into my basement for the summer. My god, how much stuff does a college student need? I needed to make room for it so I started - naturally - at the opposite end of the house. I realized the messes in all the rooms are so connected and dense, that I knew I needed to start cleaning there in order for the bit of open space to roll through the house and make a place for her shit. So I tore certain parts of the house apart, and her stuff is in place. Now I get to put the other rooms back together.
A project at work was being a bit vexing, so I tore it apart. Killed the old tools - burning bridges is great incentive to move forward - then scrapped my day to day duties to make room for it. So far, so good. It will all be in place and beautiful by noon tomorrow. Just in time for the end of the fiscal year.
The eave rebuilding project at Kat's - now on summer number four - is 5 sessions from ending. To make that happen, I tore apart my workout and reading schedules. It sill be done next weekend, then I can turn my attention to repairing concrete and mortar. Long story.
I am tearing apart my alcohol habit. I live in a county that is dry on Sundays. This is a good thing, even though I want a beer so bad I could scream. But I am enjoy knowing that I will be alert and able to work every morning, so I think I'll stay dry for a while.
I am weening myself from Caffeine. Some mountains (booze) are best descended by jumping the cliff. Others (coffee) are best dealt with via a gentle sloping path. Just ask Heather.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Death by Four Tens
I switched to a 4-10 work week starting June 1. It is killing me.
The day starts at 4:30 instead of 5:00 with the typical work day going from 6:00 to 4:30. An hour commute home and a bedtime of 8:30 leaves three whole hours of life at the end of the day.
But then there is the day off. Between the 4-10 work week and couch surfing after my usual Tuesday with The Grrrls, I am only making three round-trips between home and work. With current gas prices, this is saving me up to $80 a month.
Did I mention I am getting up each day at 4:30?
So what about that day off?
I spent one of those days doing weekend things because the previous week was living hell and I was massively behind on 'stuff'. I spent another of those days kicking off The Grand Cleaning Project at my mom's house. I spent the third day off painting at Kathleen's house.
4:30 is too early to get up. It would be better if 8:30 wasn't so early to go to bed. Today (Thursday) is the first day this week I haven't been in a haze from lack of sleep. That haze is more the rule in my life than the exception. I wonder if it is really worth it.
The day starts at 4:30 instead of 5:00 with the typical work day going from 6:00 to 4:30. An hour commute home and a bedtime of 8:30 leaves three whole hours of life at the end of the day.
But then there is the day off. Between the 4-10 work week and couch surfing after my usual Tuesday with The Grrrls, I am only making three round-trips between home and work. With current gas prices, this is saving me up to $80 a month.
Did I mention I am getting up each day at 4:30?
So what about that day off?
I spent one of those days doing weekend things because the previous week was living hell and I was massively behind on 'stuff'. I spent another of those days kicking off The Grand Cleaning Project at my mom's house. I spent the third day off painting at Kathleen's house.
4:30 is too early to get up. It would be better if 8:30 wasn't so early to go to bed. Today (Thursday) is the first day this week I haven't been in a haze from lack of sleep. That haze is more the rule in my life than the exception. I wonder if it is really worth it.
Monday, May 26, 2008
Unite the Divided
May 24, 8:20 AM
I am at Peery's Egyptian Theater Convention Center in Ogden, Utah. This is the "Unite the Divided" conference sponsored by Hoor-Paar-Kraat Oasis. I am here (in descending order of influence) out of guilt (payback for making the March 15th Horus event so good), the chance to meet Lon Milo DuQuette, and just plain insanity. Except for the few hours last night between work and bed that I used to stage for the weekend, I am booked solid through late Monday night. I will be spending only enough time at home to switch context and attach a trailer to the back of my car. I will spend all day today at the event, arrive between 10 and midnight tonight at Lisa's, drive her to the airport at 5:00 Sunday morning, then back to Ogden for half a day. When that half day is done ate 3:00 I will drive to Provo, stop long enough to swap out the junk in the car and hitch a trailer to the back, and go to Cedar City. I will collapse in a quivering heap for a fitful night’s sleep. Then I get to move Michael, pack up Melinda’s stuff, drive it north to Provo and unload. I will once again collapse in quivering heap, then go into the office Tuesday morning.
Why do I do these things to myself?
I am listening to Lon play guitar, in preparation for the 'lecture'. He plays guitar? As part of his presentation? This should be interesting.
Having given all the wrong reasons for being here, it is time to choose my real inner reason. And that is....don't know.
[Break in writing to listen to Lon – then to see the film]
The film maker was wearing a t-shirt with the name of the film on it, "A Hero Denied". Walking past him, I misread it, with the folds of the shirt helping, as "A Herd Divided". After thinking a minute, I realized that the name fits. We, as a people, are little better than a herd. We are also quite divided. It fits very well.
I guess when you have fame - even within a small tribe such as the O.T.O. - you can show up for an event and please the people even if you don’t do freaking much of anything. If you do a little 'much of anything' it is well received whether it is related to the theme of the gathering or not. Toward the end of his time, Lon asked us, "What is this supposed to be about?" OK – it really was much better than that. But there was an undercurrent of ‘slack for the adored’.
"Unite the Divided", he was reminded. The largest single bit of Lon's presentation was very entertaining, but had nothing to do with the matter at hand. What preceded and followed was very much on topic, and will be better remembered for having framed a fun little story.
Yes, Lon did play guitar as part of the presentation. He was a professional musician earlier in life, and now uses this to add to his other endeavors. The songs were witty and had a good point to them.
As with any such event, for all of the talking, there are only a half dozen things the presenter really wants to say. Given a chance he could say them in a few minutes. Each person in the audience will remember only one or two of these points - if anything at all is remembered - but will still feel well served. The other 58 minutes are just fluff and frame and repeating the messages often enough to make them stick. Without consulting my notes, here is what I got for my money:
1. The people who are the most divided are the ones who share the most in common.
2. The people who are most united are those who have met face to face.
Interestingly enough, these statements were made during the question answer period after the presentation. As truth number one was given, it was all clear to me. The Muslim factions tearing Iraq apart right now are mainly fighting other Muslims. Fighting the U.S. occupation is something of a side show for them. More of the bombs going off in Baghdad are meant to kill Sunni or Shia than are meant to kill U.S. forces. After all, it is easy to dismiss a member of the 'other' religion as lost soul and a hopeless cause, just so long as he doesn't get between me and my piece of the pie. But when a so called member of the True Faith takes the word of God, the TRUE word of god, then distorts it for an EVILE purpose, corrupting believers and turning them into infidels....well....THAT needs to be dealt with in the harshest manner. There is nothing so low as an apostate. (Example - in the Mormon reality, the only soul to become a son of perdition and get to the lowest ring of hell is the one who once possessed the truth, in knowledge and not in faith, then turned against it.) The other side of this mirror is that the person in the other schism is the one most likely to tell me what to do and how to do it. Until this happens, I am willing to ignore him, even if I know he exists. After this happens, I sure has hell know who he is and am likely not to like him.
As for truth number two, this seems obvious. It is obvious. And it works. Because it works, it is the job of the leader to keep us apart from the other, and to cast them in a light that makes them less human, less of a brother or sister.
Lon opened with a statement, "Magick is not my life, but I use magick to make my life magickal." He expounded and expanded on this. If 'magician' is how you define yourself, then you have a problem. If you just MUST make sure everyone you meet know you DO MAGICK, then you have a problem. If you self define in terms of your joys, then count magick as one of the tools used to achieve your joys, then you have...different problems (but at least not this particular problem.)
There were books for sale, and I fell to the temptation. "The Accidental Christ", a book I judged to be fairly well reeking of irreverence. So far I have read a few pages and there is no irreverence yet. I may be wrong. But wrong or right, I think I will be well entertained. Yes - I got it signed.
When the crowd cleared for a bit, I pulled Lon aside and asked for advice on how to handle Horus. I start by saying, "I am acting body master of Horus Oasis and I am hating every minute of it." That statement brought a smile. I knew I was talking to someone who had 'been there, done that'. The first thing he said was, "Be a benevolent dictator, but don't let them know it." So I asked, "What part don't I let them know: The benevolent part, or the dictator part?" (The dictator part.) He expanded on this. "Don't EVER decide on things by taking a vote. Accept input, and make a choice based on this. But once the choice is made, just tell them when and where they need to be to participate, then let them choose to show up. He mentioned the term 'ipso facto', I responded with my translation of 'this is the way things is' and that worked.
The rest of the answer fell into the category of things I already knew but had forgotten that I knew. He mentioned that he knew large lodges that only had a few people showing up for activities, so that was nothing new. Then he gave an example from his own life, of holding a weekly class on magick. During the early stages, he was usually the only person there. (He also mentioned making then short classes of 6 to 8 parts max.) Isn't this close to the essay "It takes more than goats"? I guess this could be called “Finding My Zen” on the matter. So I will pretend the Oasis is just me and Holly and Beverly, I will take steps with them to make that work (Mass team, initiation team, etc.), and we will keep on playing OTO. I will also assume that the larger and wonderful oasis that will exist 5 years from now will be made up mostly of people who have not been initiated yet.
Finally, he said this: The most important thing for me is - be true to myself: Before the order, before the body, and before Grand Lodge.
Hold the events, make it regular, and expect that, for quite some time, the only person there will be me.
But.....
I'm still pissed off about how March 15 turned out. An initiation shouldn't be surrounded with so much effort on the part of the initiate. (Maybe it is an allegory - Maybe the universe is telling me that I'm going to have to work real hard to bring about my own death. Isn't that just encouraging?)
For the last several weeks, and especially this last week, the theater of my mind has been putting on some grand productions. I have imagined all sorts of events, betrayals and slights followed by my wounded and righteous withdrawal from the OTO. As usual, this shit was going on for a while before I stopped myself and recognized it was happening. Then it took a little while longer to analyze why it was happening. This is my subconscious telling me I want OUT. But the drama also often is framed in terms preceded by the failure for the large wonderful oasis to materialize. So is it that I want out all the way, or that I don't want to fail? Either way, it seems I want to be able to conveniently have someone else to blame (hence the imagined slight or offense). Holy crap. I thought I was slightly past this sort of drama? Then again, silly monkey is wired to learn lessons over and over before they finally stick.
So - brass tacks for Horus. Monthly mass. Coffee and/or class twice a month. Declare a day and do it. Tuesday? Monday? One of those. I will commit to this for a period (six months? three?) and see what happens. If I make it open ended I will get discouraged too soon. If I commit to a period, I will stick to it even if no one ever shows up.
"A Hero Denied" is the story of Patrick Stewart, a Nevada National Guard Member killed in Afghanistan, and the fight to allow the Wiccan pentacle to decorate his Veteran’s Administration supplied headstone. Good movie. Educational. I find I interesting that the VA didn’t fight the pentacle issue because anyone in the White House told them to. Instead, they fought it because they tried to second guess the White House, and surmised that – if they knew about it to begin with – the White House would tell them to fight it. Is this how bad the Bush Administration is? Do we have government agencies living in such fear of the Bushies? Is everyone spending more time looking over their shoulder for the shadow of Big Brother that is begins to interfere with the correct execution of their jobs?
I am at Peery's Egyptian Theater Convention Center in Ogden, Utah. This is the "Unite the Divided" conference sponsored by Hoor-Paar-Kraat Oasis. I am here (in descending order of influence) out of guilt (payback for making the March 15th Horus event so good), the chance to meet Lon Milo DuQuette, and just plain insanity. Except for the few hours last night between work and bed that I used to stage for the weekend, I am booked solid through late Monday night. I will be spending only enough time at home to switch context and attach a trailer to the back of my car. I will spend all day today at the event, arrive between 10 and midnight tonight at Lisa's, drive her to the airport at 5:00 Sunday morning, then back to Ogden for half a day. When that half day is done ate 3:00 I will drive to Provo, stop long enough to swap out the junk in the car and hitch a trailer to the back, and go to Cedar City. I will collapse in a quivering heap for a fitful night’s sleep. Then I get to move Michael, pack up Melinda’s stuff, drive it north to Provo and unload. I will once again collapse in quivering heap, then go into the office Tuesday morning.
Why do I do these things to myself?
I am listening to Lon play guitar, in preparation for the 'lecture'. He plays guitar? As part of his presentation? This should be interesting.
Having given all the wrong reasons for being here, it is time to choose my real inner reason. And that is....don't know.
[Break in writing to listen to Lon – then to see the film]
The film maker was wearing a t-shirt with the name of the film on it, "A Hero Denied". Walking past him, I misread it, with the folds of the shirt helping, as "A Herd Divided". After thinking a minute, I realized that the name fits. We, as a people, are little better than a herd. We are also quite divided. It fits very well.
I guess when you have fame - even within a small tribe such as the O.T.O. - you can show up for an event and please the people even if you don’t do freaking much of anything. If you do a little 'much of anything' it is well received whether it is related to the theme of the gathering or not. Toward the end of his time, Lon asked us, "What is this supposed to be about?" OK – it really was much better than that. But there was an undercurrent of ‘slack for the adored’.
"Unite the Divided", he was reminded. The largest single bit of Lon's presentation was very entertaining, but had nothing to do with the matter at hand. What preceded and followed was very much on topic, and will be better remembered for having framed a fun little story.
Yes, Lon did play guitar as part of the presentation. He was a professional musician earlier in life, and now uses this to add to his other endeavors. The songs were witty and had a good point to them.
As with any such event, for all of the talking, there are only a half dozen things the presenter really wants to say. Given a chance he could say them in a few minutes. Each person in the audience will remember only one or two of these points - if anything at all is remembered - but will still feel well served. The other 58 minutes are just fluff and frame and repeating the messages often enough to make them stick. Without consulting my notes, here is what I got for my money:
1. The people who are the most divided are the ones who share the most in common.
2. The people who are most united are those who have met face to face.
Interestingly enough, these statements were made during the question answer period after the presentation. As truth number one was given, it was all clear to me. The Muslim factions tearing Iraq apart right now are mainly fighting other Muslims. Fighting the U.S. occupation is something of a side show for them. More of the bombs going off in Baghdad are meant to kill Sunni or Shia than are meant to kill U.S. forces. After all, it is easy to dismiss a member of the 'other' religion as lost soul and a hopeless cause, just so long as he doesn't get between me and my piece of the pie. But when a so called member of the True Faith takes the word of God, the TRUE word of god, then distorts it for an EVILE purpose, corrupting believers and turning them into infidels....well....THAT needs to be dealt with in the harshest manner. There is nothing so low as an apostate. (Example - in the Mormon reality, the only soul to become a son of perdition and get to the lowest ring of hell is the one who once possessed the truth, in knowledge and not in faith, then turned against it.) The other side of this mirror is that the person in the other schism is the one most likely to tell me what to do and how to do it. Until this happens, I am willing to ignore him, even if I know he exists. After this happens, I sure has hell know who he is and am likely not to like him.
As for truth number two, this seems obvious. It is obvious. And it works. Because it works, it is the job of the leader to keep us apart from the other, and to cast them in a light that makes them less human, less of a brother or sister.
Lon opened with a statement, "Magick is not my life, but I use magick to make my life magickal." He expounded and expanded on this. If 'magician' is how you define yourself, then you have a problem. If you just MUST make sure everyone you meet know you DO MAGICK, then you have a problem. If you self define in terms of your joys, then count magick as one of the tools used to achieve your joys, then you have...different problems (but at least not this particular problem.)
There were books for sale, and I fell to the temptation. "The Accidental Christ", a book I judged to be fairly well reeking of irreverence. So far I have read a few pages and there is no irreverence yet. I may be wrong. But wrong or right, I think I will be well entertained. Yes - I got it signed.
When the crowd cleared for a bit, I pulled Lon aside and asked for advice on how to handle Horus. I start by saying, "I am acting body master of Horus Oasis and I am hating every minute of it." That statement brought a smile. I knew I was talking to someone who had 'been there, done that'. The first thing he said was, "Be a benevolent dictator, but don't let them know it." So I asked, "What part don't I let them know: The benevolent part, or the dictator part?" (The dictator part.) He expanded on this. "Don't EVER decide on things by taking a vote. Accept input, and make a choice based on this. But once the choice is made, just tell them when and where they need to be to participate, then let them choose to show up. He mentioned the term 'ipso facto', I responded with my translation of 'this is the way things is' and that worked.
The rest of the answer fell into the category of things I already knew but had forgotten that I knew. He mentioned that he knew large lodges that only had a few people showing up for activities, so that was nothing new. Then he gave an example from his own life, of holding a weekly class on magick. During the early stages, he was usually the only person there. (He also mentioned making then short classes of 6 to 8 parts max.) Isn't this close to the essay "It takes more than goats"? I guess this could be called “Finding My Zen” on the matter. So I will pretend the Oasis is just me and Holly and Beverly, I will take steps with them to make that work (Mass team, initiation team, etc.), and we will keep on playing OTO. I will also assume that the larger and wonderful oasis that will exist 5 years from now will be made up mostly of people who have not been initiated yet.
Finally, he said this: The most important thing for me is - be true to myself: Before the order, before the body, and before Grand Lodge.
Hold the events, make it regular, and expect that, for quite some time, the only person there will be me.
But.....
I'm still pissed off about how March 15 turned out. An initiation shouldn't be surrounded with so much effort on the part of the initiate. (Maybe it is an allegory - Maybe the universe is telling me that I'm going to have to work real hard to bring about my own death. Isn't that just encouraging?)
For the last several weeks, and especially this last week, the theater of my mind has been putting on some grand productions. I have imagined all sorts of events, betrayals and slights followed by my wounded and righteous withdrawal from the OTO. As usual, this shit was going on for a while before I stopped myself and recognized it was happening. Then it took a little while longer to analyze why it was happening. This is my subconscious telling me I want OUT. But the drama also often is framed in terms preceded by the failure for the large wonderful oasis to materialize. So is it that I want out all the way, or that I don't want to fail? Either way, it seems I want to be able to conveniently have someone else to blame (hence the imagined slight or offense). Holy crap. I thought I was slightly past this sort of drama? Then again, silly monkey is wired to learn lessons over and over before they finally stick.
So - brass tacks for Horus. Monthly mass. Coffee and/or class twice a month. Declare a day and do it. Tuesday? Monday? One of those. I will commit to this for a period (six months? three?) and see what happens. If I make it open ended I will get discouraged too soon. If I commit to a period, I will stick to it even if no one ever shows up.
"A Hero Denied" is the story of Patrick Stewart, a Nevada National Guard Member killed in Afghanistan, and the fight to allow the Wiccan pentacle to decorate his Veteran’s Administration supplied headstone. Good movie. Educational. I find I interesting that the VA didn’t fight the pentacle issue because anyone in the White House told them to. Instead, they fought it because they tried to second guess the White House, and surmised that – if they knew about it to begin with – the White House would tell them to fight it. Is this how bad the Bush Administration is? Do we have government agencies living in such fear of the Bushies? Is everyone spending more time looking over their shoulder for the shadow of Big Brother that is begins to interfere with the correct execution of their jobs?
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Praise Bob
Class of the Subgenius.
So...I used my birthday money to join the Church of the SubGenius. I have been reading the word of Bob for some years now, but I found out there was a new book out, so I jumped with both feet - bought the book and joined the cult. Then...
I got an e-mail that MLA (Maybe Logic Academy) was offering a class SubGenius 101, creating your own cult. I clenched my teeth and really tried to resist, but the draw was too great. I sent off the money and signed up.
So we are wrapping up week one, which is sort of a pre-history. The thing that surprises me most is learning how deliberate and intentional the rise of the CoS was. First, it was planned in bitter detail, with the theology being deliberately constructed (crazy, but intentional). Second, it may have been an obsession (hence not based on logic), but it was intended from the start to grow and become a cash cow - this wasn't just a happy accident. The joy in all of this is that it worked, and the cash came in from rubes who are in on the joke, not from innocents who are being fleeced. What more could you ask?
Lessons learned so far (in relation to the OTO).
So...I used my birthday money to join the Church of the SubGenius. I have been reading the word of Bob for some years now, but I found out there was a new book out, so I jumped with both feet - bought the book and joined the cult. Then...
I got an e-mail that MLA (Maybe Logic Academy) was offering a class SubGenius 101, creating your own cult. I clenched my teeth and really tried to resist, but the draw was too great. I sent off the money and signed up.
So we are wrapping up week one, which is sort of a pre-history. The thing that surprises me most is learning how deliberate and intentional the rise of the CoS was. First, it was planned in bitter detail, with the theology being deliberately constructed (crazy, but intentional). Second, it may have been an obsession (hence not based on logic), but it was intended from the start to grow and become a cash cow - this wasn't just a happy accident. The joy in all of this is that it worked, and the cash came in from rubes who are in on the joke, not from innocents who are being fleeced. What more could you ask?
Lessons learned so far (in relation to the OTO).
- While the word of Bob may be strange, and have a thousand faces, it also has enough slogans and catch phrases to be concrete. It isn't a moving target. It is in clear focus. I need to compose clear answers to the common questions about the O.T.O. (what is this, who are you, what do you do, what do you believe). I need to set the catch-phrases and slogans in my mind and let them be the first things out of my mouth.
- The vast majority of the people who hear the Word of Bob dismiss it out of hand. This is fine. All the CoS needs is that one out of a thousand - or ten thousand - for the cult to work. The same applies to the O.T.O.. Either a person is already on our wavelength or not. Be bold. Use the 'insider' words and phrases (then explain as needed), . Don't make the ugly parts look pretty. Don't try to please the ears of the person I talk to. Either they are tuned to it or they aren't. If they are, the best course is to be bold. If they aren't tuned, being bold will make them run away and not waste my time.
- Put it out there. The CoS worked because Stang actively marketed it. Fliers, books, radio shows, etc.
- Don't work alone. Even though he was at the center of the CoS, and is most readily identified with it, Stang didn't do it alone. He still isn't doing it alone. He traded ideas and work with a close core while building it, then leveraged the energies of a large number of kooks to sustain it. So far I have Holly and Beverly on board for the Oasis, but I need more people than that.
- Make it fun. Nuff said?
Friday, May 02, 2008
Frustration of the month
This month's frustration: I am putting time and effort into working on all of these things that aren't Andy. But first...
On the evening of April 26 (Friday) we (Me, Holly, Beverly, Dylan) went to Carmina Burana with the Utah Symphony Orchestra and Chorus. A few days before, KUER did a one hour show on it, so I went into the concert well educated. It was good. It was "Oh Wow" good.
I am writing this in Cedar City where I will be attending Melinda's graduation tomorrow. At the tender age of 21 she is getting her BA in History with a minor in Sociology. She was also voted student of the year in the History department. She takes after me. I am quite proud of her.
I am also out of time.....
On the evening of April 26 (Friday) we (Me, Holly, Beverly, Dylan) went to Carmina Burana with the Utah Symphony Orchestra and Chorus. A few days before, KUER did a one hour show on it, so I went into the concert well educated. It was good. It was "Oh Wow" good.
I am writing this in Cedar City where I will be attending Melinda's graduation tomorrow. At the tender age of 21 she is getting her BA in History with a minor in Sociology. She was also voted student of the year in the History department. She takes after me. I am quite proud of her.
I am also out of time.....
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
My favorite toy!
Oh joy and happiness! I am writing this on my newly repaired AlphaSmart 3000. Be still, my beating heart. I must not swoon. I am so happy to have this little device back in my life.
Why am I so excited? Go to the AlphaSmart web site and look at the Dana (it replaces the AlphaSmart 3000 in their offerings). Your first reaction will be to ask, "Why should I get excited about this? Why did you drop 200 bucks on a one purpose device, and with such limitations, when low end laptops are priced at $400?" Simple. Three AA batteries will last 700 hours in this thing. Let me repeat that... seven hundred hours. Do the math. Use it an hour a day and you get almost 2 years before having to drop a whole two dollars for new batteries. Use it a few hours a week and you forget the thing even uses juice.
It weighs only on pound. It is well built. When I turn it on, it is ready to use in 5 seconds. It never loses data. It dumps text to my PC using a USB connection, and pretends it is just a keyboard. Use it with ANY hardware, ANY operating system and dump a file into ANY program that accepts text input from the regular keyboard. When this blog post is ready, I will open a browser, log into my account and create a new post, plug in the AlphaSmart and push the send button. Shazam. The ghost in the machine starts pushing 200 words a minute onto the screen.
I am also quite pleased with my customer support experience. I sent an e-mail from the web site and had an answer within one business day, offering two options to fix the problem. I ordered a replacement keyboard to fix it myself. This was on Monday. The keyboard arrived on Friday. The instructions were clear, complete and accurate. The support people were all Americans who sounded happy and competent. The repair took less than 10 minutes - there were no surprises. The instructions were the best bit of technical writing I have seen in years. Kudos to the entire organization.
In O.T.O. news, the Electoral College voted for continuing status for Horus Oasis - I am still acting body master. They cited confirmation of my initiation to third degree as being the one item lacking. I understand and agree. "Let all be done well and with business way." A few people are treating this as if being confirmed body master is a prize or plum of some sort. "Have you heard yet?, asks one person, with a thrill in her voice. "I'm sure you'll get it!, says another, as if confirming that I am worthy, or maybe just a little bit exalted. Do any of these people stop and remind themselves that this is a JOB? It is a series of tasks, duties, and frustrations. The rewards are small and sometimes hard to recognize. It is a freaking pain in the ass. A part of me hoped the college would return a decision of, "Not only no, but Hell No." It would be a relief.
Why am I so excited? Go to the AlphaSmart web site and look at the Dana (it replaces the AlphaSmart 3000 in their offerings). Your first reaction will be to ask, "Why should I get excited about this? Why did you drop 200 bucks on a one purpose device, and with such limitations, when low end laptops are priced at $400?" Simple. Three AA batteries will last 700 hours in this thing. Let me repeat that... seven hundred hours. Do the math. Use it an hour a day and you get almost 2 years before having to drop a whole two dollars for new batteries. Use it a few hours a week and you forget the thing even uses juice.
It weighs only on pound. It is well built. When I turn it on, it is ready to use in 5 seconds. It never loses data. It dumps text to my PC using a USB connection, and pretends it is just a keyboard. Use it with ANY hardware, ANY operating system and dump a file into ANY program that accepts text input from the regular keyboard. When this blog post is ready, I will open a browser, log into my account and create a new post, plug in the AlphaSmart and push the send button. Shazam. The ghost in the machine starts pushing 200 words a minute onto the screen.
I am also quite pleased with my customer support experience. I sent an e-mail from the web site and had an answer within one business day, offering two options to fix the problem. I ordered a replacement keyboard to fix it myself. This was on Monday. The keyboard arrived on Friday. The instructions were clear, complete and accurate. The support people were all Americans who sounded happy and competent. The repair took less than 10 minutes - there were no surprises. The instructions were the best bit of technical writing I have seen in years. Kudos to the entire organization.
In O.T.O. news, the Electoral College voted for continuing status for Horus Oasis - I am still acting body master. They cited confirmation of my initiation to third degree as being the one item lacking. I understand and agree. "Let all be done well and with business way." A few people are treating this as if being confirmed body master is a prize or plum of some sort. "Have you heard yet?, asks one person, with a thrill in her voice. "I'm sure you'll get it!, says another, as if confirming that I am worthy, or maybe just a little bit exalted. Do any of these people stop and remind themselves that this is a JOB? It is a series of tasks, duties, and frustrations. The rewards are small and sometimes hard to recognize. It is a freaking pain in the ass. A part of me hoped the college would return a decision of, "Not only no, but Hell No." It would be a relief.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Clearing brush
After closing my last post, I did as promised and went back to doing stuff. Some things were from The List - things I planned to do this weekend - and some were just more unplanned things that seemed to mean nothing. But trying to avoid these "mean nothing" things and return to the prepared list was resulting in brainlock, so I just went with the flow.
This was a good choice. This morning I felt like the weekend was a success, and like I could move on with getting things done. The stuff I "wasted" time on was stuff that had been nagging at my psyche. Getting some of things done lowered the volume of the nagging and freed me up to focus on other tasks.
This was a good choice. This morning I felt like the weekend was a success, and like I could move on with getting things done. The stuff I "wasted" time on was stuff that had been nagging at my psyche. Getting some of things done lowered the volume of the nagging and freed me up to focus on other tasks.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Thelema Dreama
I had an odd dream a few nights ago. The Electoral College of the O.T.O. was meeting last weekend and, if all went according to plan, I was confirmed as Master of Horus Oasis. But in my dream, they rejected me as Body Master, then tried to make it all look like it was my fault - that I had failed the Order and that it was my job to pick up the pieces and find a new Body Master. In the dream I laughed in their collective faces and started to just walked away from it all. Their response was to ask, "But what will YOU do without us?" Being the drama queen that I am, I delivered a speech before stalking off, and answered that question for them.
None of this is worth mentioning except for the speech. It was revealing. It covered some truths that I have chosen to ignore and need to resolve. If I don't find resolution, my journey with the O.T.O. may at least by rocky, or may at most "end ugly".
None of this is worth mentioning except for the speech. It was revealing. It covered some truths that I have chosen to ignore and need to resolve. If I don't find resolution, my journey with the O.T.O. may at least by rocky, or may at most "end ugly".
It's dead, Jim!!!!
The verdict is in. The VW Cabriolet is dead. Leaking oil into the cylinders, and coolant into the oil. I am going to get a quote on an engine exchange or rebuild, but I doubt it will be within the realm of what I can do.
It has been a damned frustrating week, turning into an equally frustrating weekend. The constant sense of frustration that always lurks in the basement of my psyche took a larger share of control this week. I didn't go to the gym, and only did one partial workout at home. I spent much of my time at home doing little that mattered. I lacked focus at work and accomplished less than I should have.
With the start of the weekend, I got some of my traction back, but the steering failed. I started putting effort into things that weren't priorities. When I tried to change focus to the things that do matter, I got stuck. And here I am - stuck.
Having said this, I stop and look back at the last 48 hours and change my evaluation. I spent some time being stuck, I spent some time doing things that don't matter, I also accomplished things that do matter. But the feeling that stays with me and tends to define my weekend is, "I'm stuck".
Frustrating.
I am leaving now so I can accomplish one or two more things on "The List".
It has been a damned frustrating week, turning into an equally frustrating weekend. The constant sense of frustration that always lurks in the basement of my psyche took a larger share of control this week. I didn't go to the gym, and only did one partial workout at home. I spent much of my time at home doing little that mattered. I lacked focus at work and accomplished less than I should have.
With the start of the weekend, I got some of my traction back, but the steering failed. I started putting effort into things that weren't priorities. When I tried to change focus to the things that do matter, I got stuck. And here I am - stuck.
Having said this, I stop and look back at the last 48 hours and change my evaluation. I spent some time being stuck, I spent some time doing things that don't matter, I also accomplished things that do matter. But the feeling that stays with me and tends to define my weekend is, "I'm stuck".
Frustrating.
I am leaving now so I can accomplish one or two more things on "The List".
Monday, April 14, 2008
Revenge of the Boob Toob
In the past, I have committed many offenses against the television. This last weekend, the television exacted it revenge.
But first, an update on my previous entry. I mentioned clearing out the Porn Collection, but didn't mention why this is worthy of mention. Forget what the collection is composed of - I have many collections of many sorts of things. It is a manifestation of my problems with OCD. As the disorder goes, I have a mild case, but it is there and it does annoy me. I have a history of turning attention to something and, instead of acquiring enough of it to fill the reasonable needs or desires, I need to have ALL of it. The phrase "Collect the Entire Set" comes to mind. Even if I don't collect the entire set, it is hard as hell to part with the pieces I do own. So, while I may not be a hoarder in the classic sense, I do have small hoards of 'stuff' hidden in the corners of my living space.
Being able to look at one of The Collections straight in the eye, then haul it off to the trash (the recycle bin, actually), isn't a huge victory, but it is significant. I went from this to throwing out some other non-related items, then dealing with a cyber-collection of music and e-book downloads that had taken over my computer. It was refreshing.
I can hardly wait to see what I throw out next.
With Kat and Shannon out of town, I have been watching their house and taking care of cats. I also decided to enjoy myself a bit by watching some movies. Over the course of three evenings I planned to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy. So on Friday I watched the Fellowship of the Ring while sipping a wee bit of wine. On Saturday I returned and slipped The Two Towers into the DVD player, then turned on the TV. Nothing happened. No picture, no muted click - nothing. I did all the standard things (power, remote, cursing, hitting) and still nothing.
For years I have spoken out against the evils of the Television. The crap that comes in through the cable or satellite feed is pure trash - brain numbing, low, filthy trash. So when I finally want to use the box for my own higher desires, it smiles, it winks, it arranges for a cold solder joint to finally crack, thereby depriving me of my pleasure.
At least the damned thing is still under warranty.
But first, an update on my previous entry. I mentioned clearing out the Porn Collection, but didn't mention why this is worthy of mention. Forget what the collection is composed of - I have many collections of many sorts of things. It is a manifestation of my problems with OCD. As the disorder goes, I have a mild case, but it is there and it does annoy me. I have a history of turning attention to something and, instead of acquiring enough of it to fill the reasonable needs or desires, I need to have ALL of it. The phrase "Collect the Entire Set" comes to mind. Even if I don't collect the entire set, it is hard as hell to part with the pieces I do own. So, while I may not be a hoarder in the classic sense, I do have small hoards of 'stuff' hidden in the corners of my living space.
Being able to look at one of The Collections straight in the eye, then haul it off to the trash (the recycle bin, actually), isn't a huge victory, but it is significant. I went from this to throwing out some other non-related items, then dealing with a cyber-collection of music and e-book downloads that had taken over my computer. It was refreshing.
I can hardly wait to see what I throw out next.
With Kat and Shannon out of town, I have been watching their house and taking care of cats. I also decided to enjoy myself a bit by watching some movies. Over the course of three evenings I planned to watch the Lord of the Rings trilogy. So on Friday I watched the Fellowship of the Ring while sipping a wee bit of wine. On Saturday I returned and slipped The Two Towers into the DVD player, then turned on the TV. Nothing happened. No picture, no muted click - nothing. I did all the standard things (power, remote, cursing, hitting) and still nothing.
For years I have spoken out against the evils of the Television. The crap that comes in through the cable or satellite feed is pure trash - brain numbing, low, filthy trash. So when I finally want to use the box for my own higher desires, it smiles, it winks, it arranges for a cold solder joint to finally crack, thereby depriving me of my pleasure.
At least the damned thing is still under warranty.
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